CONFESSIONS!

Hello All:

I haven’t written in almost a month.  I have something pretty bad to confess.  I can’t believe I even did it but here goes.  I tried to write about this when it happened but I just couldn’t.  Now I can so here goes.

I slept with Eddie!  Eddie is the first person I EVER had sex with and he is also married with two kids, one of which is a new baby girl.  That pretty much sums it up.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  Any bad decision that can be made I pretty much make it!  It was Thursday, March 30th about 11:30 a.m. It was was going to be the night before that but the cards didn’t work out for us that night. The next morning he called, he told me he needed to "see" me and he took a long lunch. He called me on his way to my house saying all sort of freaky things like …Have it wet for him, he wants to do whatever I tell him to do and he was only going to follow my instructions and all these freaky little things. Even though I knew it was wrong, it excited me. I haven’t been with him in sooo long.  Usually I write these long detailed sex entries that "glamorize" what happened but I am not going to do it.  The sex itself was not "bad" but I felt like sh*t afterwards.  I knew it was the wrong thing to do all along but I really felt it after  we finished. 

  I always let lust get the best of me.  I put myself in this situation because I am not sleeping with Steve.  I should have kept sleeping with Steve if this was the alternative.  I just wanted Eddie to leave. He wanted to lay and talk and reminice and I just wanted him out of my bed.  He glamorized our act like he is not married and he and his wife didn’t just have a baby.  He kept talking about me and him and "future" plans and I just wanted him to go.  I told him I had a lot to do.  We lay there and talked a little while longer even though he asked me why was I rushing him. He finally got dressed and left with my remidents all over him.  I felt like sh*t and then my phone rang.  It was Eddie, he called me to say he had a flashback and he just needed to hear my voice again and how he wanted to see me everyday and blah blah.

It was the wrong thing to do. I know that.  I’ve always known that.  I have apologized to God like a million times.  Eddie left me a message the other day  which basically said "Eat…9 months..Eat …9 months…This is a pattern with you..Call me back."  I knew what he meant. He always says I let him eat me really good then I don’t speak to him or see him again for 9 months or longer.  Whatever.  I didn’t call back, don’t plan to.  I don’t feel bad like I did then, but I am pretty sure I don’t EVER want to go down that path again.  I don’t know why I can’t be straight up with him, I need to tell him so he won’t ever come at me with sexual advances. 

Anyway, these are my Confessions! Any advice or comments are appreciated.