For Marttilia

Hi..This is for you!

I do believe in love and I do love hard but getting hurt is just not something I want to do.  I think it all started when I was first in love in high school.  To make a long story short he cheated and I lost my bestfriend and boyfriend at one time.  It was horrible.  In fact, he is now engaged to my best friend and I am the Maid of Honor. Crazy, I know.  But, I am glad that him and I are cool now. They love each other and they will live happily ever after.  I have to admit. I wondered why me and him couldn’t make it work but he was young, I was young.  He didn’t mean to hurt me and I know that.  So when you first get hurt the pain is so intense because you just don’t expect it.  Now, I expect anything.  I hope the worst doesn’t  happen but I think I hold up a guard so in the event it does I am not totally f*cked up about it..you know?

Steve-Steve and I met in high school and we were boyfriend and girlfriend on and off for forever. We have been friends every since. I didn’t have sex with him until after I graduated from college.  I teased that boy like crazy and I think on some strange level he respected the fact that I never gave in while all these other girls  would. We would be both butt naked and I would say .."No , I am not ready we can’t." He never got angry or mad he always understood and I loved him for that. After we first had sex (years later) I was like..Wow! This is what I have been declining and missing all of these years.  I did  love him, part of me still does.  But, Steve is not a grown up and I don’t trust him with my heart because he is soo sporadic.  I feel like I have to play games to keep him entertained so I can’t trust my heart with someone who acts like a kid.  We have great sex and we have love for one another because we have been together and known each other for soo long but I think that is where it ends.  I could easily fall in love with him if he grew up but the reality is, he is not a grown up and I don’t want him out of my life so I settle and accept and appreciate what we have.  At the same time I know, no matter how real it feels ..It is what it is. 

Jay- Steve’s play cousin/friend and I have been friends since high school.  We met through Steve of course.  He always was the mediator in between Steve and I when we had arguments.  The friendship just blossomed and I could talk to Jay about everything.  In the beginning of 2004, things jumped to another level.  Jay admitted he was in love with me and eventually we fell in love or what I perceived love to be at the time and all hell broke loose. We had to tell Steve, Jay had to deal with the fact that he broke "the rules" (dating/sleeping/liking/loving your friend’s girl), I had to realise that if I take this plunge I may never get to go back. So, Steve got hurt, I got stupid and when Jay and I started having issues I went to Steve for comfort and ended up sleeping with him and he told Jay and I felt like sh*t. (If you go back to the beginning of my diary you will probably be able to catch up on that drama)  I loved Jay, part of me still does although we don’t talk now.  He wanted to get back together but I don’t think we can go back.  We (Steve and I) hurt him really bad and I can’t stand myself for that because I was his angel.  The whole thing made me feel like a pawn in their game of  "Who can f*ck Secretlife78" and I hated to feel that way.  Steve and I are cool now as you know but we can’t talk about what happened.

Since then, real love…Hasn’t happened.  I have love for Steve and Jay but after you go through sh*t like that you keep up a pretty strong guard.  I liked Bert, still do but LOVE..NO!

I do still believe in love, but I want the real thing.