9/26/2022

So N has a camera set up outside our apartment.  He says it’s for security.  He’s always telling me stupid things neighbors are doing, and he caught our neighbors grandkids supposedly throwing rocks at cars.  I don’t know if that’s true, because he tends to exaggerate and over-react to certain things.  And anything to do with his stupid car, he just loses his shit.  So he got in an argument with our neighbor or whatever and now he doesn’t like her.  So anyway, I walked outside yesterday to go to work and that neighbor was sitting on the steps watching her dog play.  The lady has always been nice to me, she’s just obviously got some problems.  So I said hi and chatted with her about her dog for a minute, then I went to work.  So when I get home later that night, he didn’t say outright that he watched the camera and saw me talking to her, but he started randomly talking about her, and then said how we shouldn’t talk to her and she’s an enemy.  WTF?  This lady is weird, but pretty much harmless.  Honestly, I feel bad for her.  Her son fucking punched her in the face one night.  Anyway, I just find it creepy that he watches the camera and watches what I do every time I leave the apartment.  It’s not the first time he’s done it.  We used to have this neighbor, and older guy, maybe in his 60s or 70s.  He would talk to both of us a lot, but sometimes the guy would be sitting outside chilling when I came home from work.  The guy would say hi and we would chat for just a few seconds.  Well, N had apparently been watching the camera and he was like, “You don’t need to be talking to anyone out there at night.”  I’m like, “It’s just Kenny, we only said hi for a second.” But it obviously bothered him.   It’s okay for him to chat with the older lady right below us though.  He will go in her apartment and talk to her and her husband, and he will sometimes go buy things for them, and that’s fine.  That doesn’t bother me.  But I guarantee, if I were down there doing the same things, he would think I was trying to fuck the old guy.  Fucking double-standards.  I wish he would fuck the old woman and move in with them, and leave me the fuck alone to be honest.

Yesterday he was acting like a fucking baby again about something stupid.  I asked if he wanted Mexican food (he usually goes to get it).  He said yes, but he didn’t feel like going anywhere.  I was like, “Oh, okay then.”   About 20 minutes later he comes in the bedroom and says if he orders it would I go get it.  I said I didn’t feel like going anywhere either.  I was fine to just eat something at home.  He walked away.  Then after about 10 more minutes he came back and he said, “Well, I guess I’ll go, but I really didn’t want to go anywhere, but I know you really want Mexican.”  I was like, “I’m really okay, I can eat something here.”  He’s like “No, I’ve already got it in my head I’m supposed to go somewhere now even though I really didn’t want to.”  So he tried to call he Mexican place to place the order and he couldn’t get through because they were so busy.  So he started bitching about how big of a pain in the ass it was, and now he was going to have to wait for his food and be in there with a bunch of people.  I tried to tell him again that I could eat something at home, but he wouldn’t have it.  He just wanted to bitch and complain and kept making passive aggressive comments about having to go out even though he just woke up like an hour ago.  Um, I’m sorry… is life hard for you now that you have to go somewhere within an hour of waking up?  Because I do that 5 days a week… because I actually fucking work.  I didn’t say that.  Didn’t feel like arguing.  I just let him bitch for another 30 minutes and just sat there, not saying anything.  Not giving him the attention he wanted (you know, like a child).  He finally left  to get the food and I just started crying because I’m so fucking sick of the simplest things turning into a huge dramatic mess.  How can someone act like that and think it’s okay?  Especially knowing everything I’ve done for him?   It’s the fucking audacity… Like I pay for everything, I’ve kept him from getting evicted when we first met (by giving plasma and giving him what little money I had at the time).  I pay rent now.  I pay his car payment and insurance.  I pay for food, smokes, fucking EVERYTHING and you have the fucking audacity to talk to me like garbage?!!  How does that fucking make sense?  How can someone act like that and not see how fucked up their actions are??

I was watching this guy on YouTube talking about covert narcissists.  I have suspected for sometime that he might be one, but of course, you just don’t want to diagnose everyone with something.  But the guy was like, “You want to know the ultimate test to find out?  Tell them no.  About anything.  Politely and nicely just tell them no and see how they react.”  So I guess yesterday when I said No, I didn’t want to go pick up the food, that was the test and he failed.

I wish I had somewhere to go.  I don’t.  I need a good place for me and my cat to go, but there isn’t anywhere.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t save money because he keeps blowing it.  I’m so fucking sick of it.  It feels like I’m in jail.  Like I’m suffocating.  I want to go to my friend’s wedding in a couple weeks, but I can’t.  I know he wouldn’t want me to because he’d think they would be guys there trying to hit on me.  And I wouldn’t dare bring him.  He’s boring and rude to other people.  And he would be complaining the whole time.  He really wouldn’t want to go anyway.

Why do people act nice in the beginning of a relationship, then suddenly turn into Mr. Fucking Hyde?  Why do they do that?  It also means, they know what they’re doing, at least in some way.  Because they were able to be nice at the beginning, but now they fucking can’t?  If you’re an ass-hole, you should just show you’re an ass-hole from the beginning so we know to stay away from you.  Fuck.  I hate life.  I hate people.  I hate him.