I Am Just Venting…

…I Vent because I have no right to cry when I take him back.

Yesterday was Heritage Day…but it was also the day that I was going to do all the prep for tonight. Started the day with getting my car washed…then shopping    then rushed home to cook and prep as Load Shedding was scheduled. My husband needed to get his hair cut for tonight, he hasn’t got money so I gave him money, probably more than what was needed, but I trusted him…This past week as been all good and my walls started to come down and things were looking good for us…when he came home; immediately I asked him if he had been drinking. He tells me after he had his hair done, him and the barber had a drink… Too busy and wanting my 1st Night Dinner to go well; I wasn’t going to digest this news. A lil while later…while we are still stuck in darkness, he asks me for money… he wants to buy alcohol. I say no!! He keeps begging me and I stay strong and say no. So while I am eating the supper I made for us, in honor of Heritage Day like the many other South Africans out there I made a braai…he wants to make a deal with me. He will offer me  if I gave him R 200 to buy alcohol. Firstly I didn’t have that much cash on me and secondly I knew damn well that he didn’t have that money. I asked him how come he is so willing to give me R 10 000 now when he couldn’t give me his share of money to carry us through for the month. He then replied saying that I told him it was okay for him to not give me money this month and to rather focus on his trading. He lied to my face. I know when he did tell me what he had done with his share of money for us, the month had already started and I had no choice. I did tell him that if he had giving me better notice I would have come up with a plan. I clearly remember driving to work that morning fuming.

 I went to bed, so I could watch Netflix off my phone , he got dressed and went off. I tried to call him, but he never answered his phone. I tried to track my car, but the damn tracker wasn’t working properly. While getting something to drink, I walked past my bag…figured I would just check to see if the R 50 that I knew was in my purse was still in there.   He stole money from me and went drinking. I am beyond livid.

Another important celebration is being ruined. Another weekend has been ruined. Another day where I am filled with feelings of hating myself for marrying him, and hating myself even more for sticking by.

Yesterday when we were driving around after dropping my father and his girlfriend at the airport, he told me that while I am struggling with my issues and not meeting my obligations I have no right to get angry at him for drinking and falling short. In my head I am thinking he is right, but at least I am seeking help. I am seeing Dieticians, I am preparing to have the Bariatric Operation, I am finding a new community and new Religious Calling to make me feel whole. 

For this past week I have been binging on  I watched it when it first came out but just felt like watching it again. When Georgia spoke about how Zion was her Penguin, I felt like she was talking to me and how my husband is my Penguin. Basically she says that Penguins don’t fly because they have never had to. My husband doesn’t have to do much because he has never had to. After living with his dad he lived with his mom and was surrounded with aunts and uncles and his grandmother and then moved to live with his sister and then his cousin, then back to his mom, and then to me, he has always had people looking out for him or people there to help him so he can look out for those he chooses to (his family). He has me to look after him and steal from…so as long as he is giving me the bare minimum…a hug, a kiss, an I love you, a slab of chocolate…what does he have to worry about.

I do love him and do want to live the rest of my life with the  but I don’t know how I am going to continue living with him, while he continues to drink. His sister is moving down next weekend. Not sure how I feel about that. I have tried to be direct and stern with him, look where that got me.