10

I think I have a dream job, and if I get said dream job, I’d have my whole life planned out ahead of me. But I’d have to go to college, I never wanted to go to college before because I hate the idea of having to pay off student loans for the rest of my life. But I thing college is a necessity for my vision. Speaking of vision, I have a lot of my life as planned and organized as possible. I think future me will thank present me when the time comes for me to leave everything behind, is it weird that I can leave everything so easily? Or at least imagine leaving everything without even batting an eye? I’m sure that if I do end up leaving, It’ll weigh on my conscience some. Usually I get attached to things very easily, I finally cut off the last of my friends from my last home, and I think I’m still processing it. It all happened so fast. But I had always had the intent to cut them off and pray to forget them, what we had was counter productive towards us growing as people. I didn’t want to cut them off, but that part of me is just desperate and weak and needed someone to cling to. It’s because I was special to them and I knew it, and the clawing desperation for some kind of meaning wasn’t allowing me to let them go. But as long as I’m with them, they’ll never grow. And as long as they’re with me, I’ll never be able to move on. I feel that they were the final test of my much needed apathy, the kind of indifference I need to leave this shit show behind me, and leave everyone I love and everything I know. I can love someone and still be cold to them. I just hope that everyone I’m leaving, and everyone I’ve already left, can understand that