Been a while

Been a while since i’ve made an entry. This is something i have struggled with for many years. I start a journal but don’t keep it up even though i know it’s good for my mental health.

It’s 4.45am right now & i am having withdrawals because i run out of my pain meds & if i don’t have them for a few days i get withdrawal symptoms. It’s not fun but it’s the only pain treatment that is working for me under the supervision of my doctor & pain specialist. I see my doctor tomorrow so i should back to somewhat as normal as someone with multiple chronic illness lol.

I can’t sleep. There are a few things going on including the withdrawals. My bestie isn’t doing well & she really scared the shit out of me tonight. Honestly i’m terrified of loosing her, terrified she wont survive her mental health issues, her brother didn’t survive his & mental health issues run in her family so it scares me. She is struggling so much right now & i feel so helpless. She lives in a different state so i can’t just go visit or vice versa, as we both on limited finances & both have fur babies that need looking after. Her complicated kind of on but off again partner has no idea how bad she is suffering right now. He has his own issues to & i think he is a good person in general & i don’t think he’s meaning to hurt her but he’s to hidden in his own world of chronic illness to notice how bad my friends mental health is right now, i did ask him to keep an eye on her because i was so scared, i did let on to him that her mental health is worse than he thinks right now, so i hope he is keeping an eye on her to make sure she is safe. I really thought i was going to loose her tonight, she promised me she wouldn’t do anything to herself & i don’t think she’d lie to me. I’ll be messaging or calling her if i don’t hear from her by 10am. She also knows if i don’t hear from her i will call police to do a welfare check, i haven’t done that with her before but she knows i will.

If anybody is reading this PLEASE try sending good healing vibes, prayers, thoughts etc whatever your beliefs are in this situation to my bestie, i know you don’t know her but she really needs some healing, kindness, love & positivity right now.

I’ve been trying to distract myself with funny youtube videos & it words for a few mins at a time.

I needed to get that out & i’m going to try to get some sleep. I think i’ll be having a long day today.