no friends

So I just wanted to let all this out here. I usually just say this all in my head and my heart but I need to pour it out here.

l i t e r a l l y I have no friends.
And that scares me a lot.
I have no one to invite anywhere.
No one to call up if I need help.
No one to ask for advice.
I always think about if I die in my bed… no one will probably know for a while. I mean of course Morgan will probably find out sooner rather than later. But even me and my roommate arent close. Which is HILARIOUS to think about because I spent a lot of last night re-reading this diary and theres no much stuff on Nessa here. And literally Im living with her. We’ve been roommates for 2 years now. Funny how everything comes full circle. But we have always had a hot and cold friendship. We never really hang out and now she always has this dude Ruben over… even though they arent dating. Yet he practically lives here. Which is HELLA annoying. Whatever… I got a few more months and I’m moving into Morgans house.

ANYWAYS…

Friends…
Morgan dated this girl also named Erin.. which might get confusing because MY ex is ALSO named Erin. So Morgans Erin will now be called E. So anyways… E is this awful ass bitch. Shes loud, obnoxious, rude, selfish and every other bad adjective you could think of. While she was dating Morgan she did so many fucked up things to her. And basically lied to her their entire relationship. I’ve meet her. She decided to take over Morgans friend group. So even though they have been broken up for YEARS she’s still heavily involved in Morgans friends lives and then kinda by default still in Morgans life a tiny bit. So any time we do anything or whatever and we are in Jersey… E is around because she has so much money shes constantly traveling to Jersey from Cali. I met her twice on two separate occassions. One at a wedding and then the second time was the next day at a lil bbq/pool party. She ALWAYS has to be the center of attention. Its annoying af. She started being ridiculous and made a fool of herself at the bbq and Morgan straight up was like “Wtf” and told her off to her face in front of everyone. It was amazing. Theres so much I could write about this girl, but just take my word she is awful. But this is the kicker…. SHE HAS SO MANY FRIENDS AND SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE HER. LIKE HOW?!?!??! It truly baffles me. I feel like Im nice and funny and considerate and a good friend (sometimes) yet I have no one. And this bitch has like 3000000 people in her life. Shes getting married to a girl Amanda, who she constantly cheats on and treats like shit. They’ve been together since like 2013 or something but yeah. E is crazy and always wanting another girlfriend or boyfriend and her fiancé just accepts it. That girl is such a push over. Its insane. I feel bad but she lets E treat her that way. She is rich af and is basically a doormat. Morgan says she is perfect for E. But anyways, I just saw some posts about their bridal shower and omg there was like a million people there with gifts and shit and all this stuff. Like how can someone so horrible have so many friends? And I dont have any? I truly dont get it. Like I always dreamed of this big beautiful wedding with my family and friends but with the way my life is right now I wont have that at all. It makes me so sad. I feel like no one will be at my funeral either. Of course my family will be… if I die before them. But after they are all gone… then I reallllly have no one. Im not even close with my aunts or cousins or anything.

All I do is sit in my room playing on my phone or my computer when Im not at work. Sure I hang with Morgan a lot but the loneliness is still there. I want someone else to talk to. I want someone to care about me and genuinely as how I am or actually want to hang with me. I kinda started hanging out with my old friends Amanda, Margo and Taylor but that was super short lived. Amanda moved to another city 2 hours away with her new girlfriend and Taylor just seems to not want to be bothered. There was a short time Margo and I would do weekly dinner dates but honestly shes just kinda draining. She talks a lot and nonstop. I know I can be that way to but Jesus Christ. Its a lot. We slowly started to fade away from each other again.

Maybe Im just not meant to have friends or something? Like does anyone actually like me? I have a few people at work who I would maybe hang out with. But they never ask. Or they are married and pregnant or whatever. No one is gonna wanna chill with me when they have those types of responsibilities. I dunno. Its weird.

I used to cry myself to sleep a lot about it. Just longing for a friend. I feel like I’ve cried all those tears because that never happens anymore. I did open up to Morgan about it a bunch of times. But after crying about it for a while she finally snapped and was actually mean about it and was like “THEN GO MAKE A FRIEND! FUCK!” It was really upsetting and I vowed to never talk to her about that shit again. It really hurt me tbh. I mean I know I probably sounded like an old broken record to her but these are my feelings. I cant help it. They consume me.

Anyways, Im done thinking about this. Nessa just left with her son so that means I have the house all to my self. So Im gonna go chill and not think about the fact I have no friends.