Well timed therapy

I had therapy Tuesday. It felt well timed. It usually does.

I am struggling with monogamy. Not so much, being monogamous, but how to be, how to communicate, how to navigate, and how to negotiate. Within an open and poly sense, I am really pretty good at how to have those conversations. For example, when Eric mentioned a few weeks back that he was completely comfortable with me engaging in sexual activity with women, on my own, because he knew that was a part of my sexuality that he couldn’t fulfill, I knew right away what questions to hit back with…

If she has a partner, are you comfortable if her partner is present and watches? No

Do you need to be informed in advance? No

What sexual health protections do you want me to take? (A longer conversation about testing, what barriers there are for women and if either of have actually ever used them for oral)

I know how to have these conversations.

I feel like we are toting this monogamish-line that is unchartered territory for me. A couple things popped up yesterday that didn’t exactly bother me, but left me feeling a little unsettled and unsure of what I was feeling or how to approach it.

I know that my feelings are mine. That his reactions are his. I know that I don’t have to tailor my reactions to things to protect him. But, I think it’s reasonable in any relationship to be respectful about how you share feelings in order to protect the other person. That’s respectful and caring. If I was constantly met with anger, resentment, defensiveness, and/or shutting down – I would be hesitant to share in the future. I love that we have such an open and honest style of communication right now, and want to process my feelings before sharing to ensure that I am not shutting down on him or causing him to want to sensor his communication in the future.

After talking it through with my therapist, I figured out what was eating at me at bit. I’m worried about equality within the relationship. I know that I will be pretty willing to say yes to things he asks for – like with Jen – because I have mostly been open/poly throughout my adult life. I tend to not be jealous and if asked something reasonable, my default is yes. While I haven’t wanted to ask for anything in return, I was feeling that he would not be open to some of the same things. And I feared that if that day came, and he said he was uncomfortable with something I had asked for, I would resent all the things I had said yes to – and I would hate that feeling! Because, I said yes, how can I resent it now!

My therapist gave some great monogamous advice. Monogamy works if you intentionally protect the relationship. Anything that could hurt the relationship should be avoided. If you’re casual in monogamy you’ll be blindsided.

So as we talked about all of it. He understood my feelings about equality. He feels our “line” are BIG things that come about one-time – sort of bucket list items. Like we both have a desire to have sex with a midget…and if ever we were in a situation where we could have sex with one, we’ve already said “take it! and tell me about it later!” He said he felt like the Jen situation was unique and a one off, so he talked to me about it. There’s a girl from his bank that has been shooting her shot quite a bit (since he was married…) and he said, while she’s cute, she’s not someone he would consider as part of this. There was a stripper/only fans girl he met at work last week. They’d exchanged numbers. She reached out yesterday. He sent me screenshots of their texts. It was all pretty PG – no intention of meeting up. That was on of the things, before my therapy appointment, that I was unsure how I felt. Talking about it with him last night, I am feeling better about it.

I will say, there have been some flags, and I am handling them – but not ignoring them. Keeping track. He is really good at talking and making me feel heard and valued.

We talked more about Mike too. He really feels that Mike gave me things sexually that he can’t/doesn’t. I asked him where that comes from, what I said to make him feel that way, because it’s not my opinion. Apparently the photo bothered him more than I realized. But, that’s not where he gets that feeling from as much. I would bite Mike and maybe be more aggressive with him. I shared that I have a spectrum of things I enjoy and it’s not all about me and what I need – if I have a partner who enjoys those things, then I do too – but by not doing some of them, I’m not necessarily missing out. He had asked me on our last trip to bite….and I did – but hesitantly trying to figure out the pressure that he likes. Since…he doesn’t know himself. He insists that if there’s anything I like or want to do, I speak up because he doesn’t want me to feel caged or clipped. I appreciate that. He said he forgets sometimes that he is the vanilla person in this relationship.

As we talked about the equality of things, he asked, sort of rhetorically, if we were setting ourselves up for failure with the long distance. This is where I opened up the dialog from above. I reminded him of how difficult it was for him when he was still with Leslie and I was dating in FL. He asked me if it had been difficult for me knowing he was having sex with Leslie when they were together. Honestly, no. I don’t know if that’s my background, and because I’m used to sharing. Or, that I entered into the “gray-lationship” with him knowing he was involved and would never allow myself feelings of jealousy or uncomfortableness at something that was clearly, defined, from the get-go. All I could do was set boundaries for myself when I decided status-quo was more than I was comfortable with. And I did. I explained that I had moments of wondering why he was with someone that didn’t make him happy. I had moments of wondering why he was making certain choices. But I never felt any pangs of jealousy or struggle when he engaged in sexual activity or spending time with her.