Mother, you had me, but I never had you

John Lennon said it best.

First and foremost, my mother was never taught how to love her children by her own mother. So that is something I let go of.

My mom could somehow love her students though. More than me, it felt.

Motherhood has sent me spiraling. When Atlas was born it was like I was immediately hyper aware of how toxic my parents were and how I never truly learned how to have a healthy attachment to people. I was aloof, I did not like hugs from others. Being able to voice my emotions was incredibly difficult.

I spent a lot of time feeling misunderstood by the people who you should be understood by.

I wonder if my mother held me and rocked me. I wonder if I was important to her at some point. I wonder what it’s like to have a heart to heart and actually be listend to by your mom. Except I know that with my favorite two women in Boise. They truly filled the void of mother and sister for me.

I miss them so much. My diary is just a sad mess of family issues these days.

My mother was missing in my life aside from someone who was in a bad mood or only cared about her elementary kids. Never once staying home with me if I felt sick. My dad stayed with me. He has dementia so his aloofness can’t really be blamed on him.

Having Vera ripped open the mom issues even more. I see moms in the delivery room with their daughters. I see moms being their daughters most prized confidant.

I would have never thought to have my mom in the delivery room. I can talk to my mom about surface things. She can’t even comprehend how to listen to me. She still subs 11 or so years after retiring and that’s all she talks about. And feral cats. That’s all that matters.

I realized too late that family is what you make it to be. That family is not blood. I’ve been trying to fit into my family for 36 years and I just don’t fit.

And it’s ok. I don’t want anything from them anymore. Today taught me that it’s time to let go. That I needed my mom. I needed to go home. I reached out for help and was denied and have been before.

So many times.

I will hug my kids. I will stay home when there sick. I’ll make mistakes and I’ll say sorry. I will tell them I love them and show them I love them. I will do anything to be there for them when they reach out at any age.

And as sad as it is that I didn’t have a loving family, I will be loving to my kids. And that’s all I can do. I can’t change my parents or sister. I can’t make them see how they’ve pushed me away for the last time.

As a little girl I know why I didn’t get along with my mom. I knew I felt invalidated and unloved. I didn’t know those were feelings I was feeling. I did not feel seen. Not at any point in my life with them.

I just needed to process it just now. And that’s all.