Thinking.

So, I was thinking about some things the other night. . . about some of the friends I had in high school, and the way they treated me and made me feel.  There are two in particular that I was thinking about. . .

One friend’s name was Ann Marie.  We had been friends since middle school. . . kind of.  She was one of those girls who was insanely smart.  Book smart.  So talented.  We both played clarinet in the band, and she was so good.  She was always first chair, no one could ever beat her.  Well, I did the first couple of years. . . we went back and forth, but I eventually lost a whole lot of interest in it and stopped practicing as much, so she blew past me in skill.  She was what was considered to be a really good person.  And I truly believe she had the best intentions and wanted to be/thought  she was a great person.  She tried to talk to everyone, was religious, never cursed, ect.  The thing is, looking back on things now. . . she didn’t treat me that great.  I wasn’t innocent either.  I was obviously a little jealous of her smarts and talent,  but not to the point where it could hurt our friendship too much.  I mean, yeah, I occasionally said some stupid shit about her being so perfect. I understand that’s shitty, and I know I shouldn’t have acted that way.   But, I pretty much accepted I just wasn’t as smart as her, and that was just the way it was, there was nothing I could do about it.   I didn’t realize it then, but there was one thing I was better at. . .  treating people with kindness and respect.  Having empathy.  Talking to people much nicer.  The thing is, when she did say rude things to people, she honestly didn’t think she was being rude.  She was smart, but I don’t think she was good at teaching people the things she knew.

She was also very judgmental about a lot of things.  If you didn’t do things a certain way, and if you didn’t fit in this perfect little box, she would bring up whatever it was, and make you feel bad about it.  There was one point in our relationship when she would tear apart EVERYTHING I said.  She would find SOMETHING wrong with everything that came out of my mouth.  She would try to correct me so much, it was hurting my self-esteem when I was already depressed.  I even remember one day I went to school, and I was like, “I’m just not going to talk at all today.  Maybe if I don’t talk at all, she can’t find something wrong with anything I say.  She won’t be able to hurt my feelings.”  Then she called me out and started saying I wasn’t talking because I just wanted attention from people.  I started crying.  She always used to always say things like, “Why are you so depressing?  Why are you always sad?”  Like, bitch, I wasn’t raised the way you were.  My family sucks.  Yours must treat you like a fucking queen if your self-esteem is so high that you can be happy all the time.

Things got a little better after that year, but I remember our senior year, I had starved myself and lost a bunch of weight, so I was just as skinny as her.  And she started lecturing me almost every day about eating.  Then I remember I started listening to Linkin Park, and she told me she was worried  about me because I was listening to such depressing music.  WTF?

I haven’t talked to Ann Marie in years, but last time I looked on Facebook, she was married and had a kid or 2.  I guarantee she’s still the same judgmental person.  If she knew half the shit I’ve done, she’d tell me I’m a bad person who went down a bad path.  Maybe not in those words, but that would be the gist of it.

I had another friend. . . a guy- Travis.  I had a major crush on him for years, and back then I thought he was a good person.  Looking back on things now, he treated me so poorly.  And not even in an outright way that I or anyone else would be able to catch it back then, but in such subtle, shitty ways, that I see now and wish I could go back and punch him in the face.  Like Ann Marie, was a church-goer, a person who didn’t curse, and he seemed to talk to everyone.  Most guys didn’t talk to me because I wasn’t very attractive, so the fact that he talked to me and told me his was my friend. . . that is what made me think he was a good guy/person.

I actually wrote about him and Ann Marie in this diary years ago.  I went back and read some of the stuff and I realize how shitty this guy treated me.  He knew I liked him.  KNEW it.  And he knew he didn’t feel the same way,  but he kept doing things to keep me around to boost his ego.  He would also say shitty things to me every once in a while just to put me down.   At one point he did act like he liked me the same way, only to completely change overnight, then start dating some girl he barely even knew.  Then at one point, after introducing him to some of my new friends, he asked one of those friends to prom after me and him agreed to go if we couldn’t find anyone else.  He knew it would hurt me.  And she knew how much I had liked him for so many years, but she didn’t care.  She said yes.  When I was understandably upset, they both gaslit me.  Him not as much as her.  She threw a fit and said she shouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  I never even said anything bad to her, I was just visibly upset and could barely go without crying one night when we were at a basketball game, so she got mad at me and told Travis I was the bad guy and gaslit the fuck out of me, making me feel bad for feeling bad.  I fucking hate her now.  Yeah, I know that was years ago, just high school, but I wish I had stood up for myself more and could see how fucked up it was the way they treated me.

Anyway, a few years ago I saw on Facebook that he’s a Trump supporter now.  It makes no sense to me.  He read the Harry Potter books  (we were both huge fans, it’s how we got to be friends in the first place) and sees no fucking connection?  A lot of his posts are judgmental, conservative shit.  He completely missed the point of those books, that’s obvious.  Then I remember at the end of 2016 when everyone was posting about what a bad year it had been, he posted something like a pic of a calendar, in some smartass way of saying it was just a year, not bad.  Basically making it seem like everyone else was being dramatic and emotional. . . completely invalidating everyone else’s experiences.  And that’s the way it felt with him, if you got emotional, you were being dramatic.  He never said that, that’s the way it felt.  Like everyone else’s experiences were completely invalid if they actually felt emotions.  Again, he grew up in a decent family, so he didn’t understand how other people felt.

The person I am now. . . non-religious, liberal, feminist. . . these two “friends” would judge the fuck out of me now.  And I’m okay with that.  I used to think these were good people, and they’re not really.  The way they treat others and they’re lack of empathy is not okay.  I used to see myself as less-than those people, like I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  It turns out, I’m glad I turned out the way I am and not like them.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with all this. . . just thoughts.  It’s like looking at me life in a completely different way than the way I experienced it back then.