Still mixed up.

So, since my last entry things have stayed the same for the most part. I’m really hitting a point in my life where I’m becoming mixed up. I go through this every so often, and I’m not sure if it’s truly unhappiness, stress, or depression.

It’s no big secret JP and I have had a very hard road over the years. He’s cheated, lied over some of the stupidest things, and overall treated me with anger. I’m definitely not innocent, by any means. However, just when I think I’ve healed and he won’t be like that ever again.. hints of the behavior rear their ugly head. For instance, the lying.. I still catch him in lies every so often and it drives me crazy. It can be something SO SIMPLE and he will lie. I just don’t understand that. I’ve always told him not to lie to me, even if it is horrible(which most of the time it’s dumb stuff) it would easier to simply tell me the truth than have me find out later that he lied and be 2x upset.

And the anger has only gotten worse. First off, I grew up in a house where my dad was very prone to sudden outbursts of anger that were incredibly upsetting to me. I’m not a person that likes anger, yelling, or things being thrown. He was never abusive, but he was mean to animals and angry a lot. JP was angry as we were younger, but it got better. Now he gets more and more like my dad every day. If I intend to have a simple discussion, he takes a big defense and will start screaming at me. At this point, I either hang up the phone or walk away. I’m just done.. I don’t want to fight or argue anymore. I am all for healthy discussion and debate, but I’m not willing to deal with what seems to be evolving into verbal abuse.

A lot of this stems from me finding a firm stance in my faith. I’m struggling with being with somebody who does not believe in God or living a half way decent Christian lifestyle. And if I am finding my faith and living in sin why can I not get married? Marriage is scary to me, something I’m not sure I want to commit to with him while there are still underlying issues. I don’t want to be one of those dumb girls who expects marriage to change things and make everything better…because it wont work.
I’ve been talking to a certain older friend for awhile and finally spilled on him the other day. He told me that marriage should be something exciting, something you are really looking forward to long term. And in the case, my situation doesn’t fit. Phil used to tell me all you need was love, and while I still don’t quite believe that is completely true… it certainly would help. I deeply care for JP, but we are most best friends and co-parents than lovers. I don’t feel the excitement, it doesn’t bother me when he’s not home often, and I find physical contact very difficult lately.

I can’t tell if I’m really wondering what life w/out this relationship would be like because I’ve never really been with anyone else.. or if I’m truly unhappy. I never experienced love with anyone else, other than my brief experience with Phil. I’ve never been in any other long term relationship so maybe this isn’t what it’s supposed to be like.

Or is this just my depression talking?

Im so mixed up.