Reflection

First of all, I’m going to start out with saying that this week just was not my week. It was one of the worst I’ve had in a awhile…and it wasn’t even too bad, I don’t think. But it hurt like hell. I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions.

I remember writing an entry years ago about my childhood and that I would not change a thing about it or how my parents were. As I learn more about me and how life really is, I feel much differently. I don’t understand everything I thought I did… nothing was as good as it seemed. My parents shattered me inside. They took my entire foundation and slipped it out from under me, but instead of recovering and landing on my feet- I didn’t. The more each side tells me about how the other was throughout my childhood, the more I lose faith in the people who raised me. My mom made a comment today that shook me to the core, we were talking about my argument with my father(more on that later) and I said something and she said "Well, life didn’t revolve around you either when you were a baby, with your father." The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. My dad was gone most of my childhood and while I thought that was to support us, I think there was more involved. He’s never been kid friendly and we’ve never had a stable, open relationship. Our relationship was always through my mother. When they divorced, I tried my hardest and I think he might have too.. but it just didn’t(and doesn’t) come easy for us. I don’t know the man who raised me. My fond memories of my godfather/uncle taking on most of the father roles. To this day, I think my relationship with him is way easier. It comes more naturally. As for my mother, we were unbelievably close. But she is not who she used to be, she picks and chooses her days to be a mother.

I often tell JP I feel abandoned. At which point he’ll hug me and say "Well, hunny.. you are 23 years old." And I blubber about how even though I’m 23, I still need my parents. Just in a different way. I need support, I need to know I’m heading in the right direction. I thank God every.single. day that JP and I worked things out and decided to make a family life. Without him, without the FAMILY we have created, I would be so lost and destroyed. He has been my constant support, and in a way that’s the best thing that’s come from my parents’ divorce. It pulled us together.

Anyway, this week was not good for my dad and I. Basically, I had asked him for something and as usual- got the huge lecture to accompany it and I stood up to him. I’ve never once in my life, other than the fight we had after Christmas, stood up to my father. He’s definitely not used to it, either. He treated me like I was 16 years old making a crappy life decision. In reality, it was only a car and my pride. He pretty much, in not so certain terms, wants me to man up and deal with the crappy card I’ve been dealt but when it comes to responsibility he treats me like I’m 10. Today he made the comment to JP and I "Well, let it go down that I still don’t approve or think it’s a good idea but you’re old enough to sink or swim on your own." UHM, WHAT?! Yeah, because we haven’t been "swimming" on our own for the past 3 years? My god. He has no faith in me and I’ve definitely seen that this week and it hurts harder than I thought it could. I don’t know why I seek his approval. It will always be out of reach, I’ll always come up short. Apparently, raising two beautiful healthy happy children who want or need for nothing, going back to school, working part time, managing a household and all that goes with it.. doesn’t prove that I’m responsible enough to make my own damn decisions. Fuck him, see if I ever come to him for anything ever again.

JP put over 6 hours of labor into his truck- changing the brakes and the sparkplugs and all he had to say was that JP still needed to bleed the brakes better. Talk about an ungrateful, selfish… Absolutely unbelievable. I don’t even know where to go with the pain and the anger. I feel like I need a good cry, but at the same time I’m so angry the tears just won’t come.

On top of all that, he decided he’s not coming to Maddy’s baptism because he’ll be finishing up his vacation. Come home a day early to see his only grand daughter be baptized? Apparently, not a priority.

I miss the days when I cried easily. Now days, I feel like it’s a sign of weakness, hide it from everyone, and even refuse to cry. I went from crying all the time to not being able to express myself. With all this crap with my parents, I’ve learned to stash away my feelings because in the end, it doesn’t make a difference with either one and then I’m just more hurt that they don’t care about how I feel. I’M PISSED. I’M SO MAD. IT’S BEEN ALMOST TWO YEARS AND IM ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS. STILL. I HATE THE PEOPLE MY PARENTS HAVE BECOME!

I’m trying to…figure out how to handle it. I’m trying to figure out how to turn it over to God, pray hard about it, and attempt to let it go. It’s my only option at this point…because no matter how much I start to think I’m over it, it smacks me down again. It’s time to start healing, somehow, someway. My only options are to turn it to God and pray the he provides healing and continue to bury myself into my children, my family and promise myself and them that this will never happen to us. Even if JP and I don’t make it, which I think we will, I don’t want our sweet children to ever feel like they can’t come to us. That we won’t support, that we won’t be there. My sweet Gabriel and Madelyn, Mommy and Daddy will ALWAYS be there…even when we are old in our rockers and you think you don’t need us. You will, and will be here.

As for my mother, her favoring crap has got to stop. I’m so tired of seeing the hurt in my sweet girl’s eyes when her brother gets to go and she doesn’t. She’s not dumb and she’s starting to realize what’s up. It really pains me to know that Maddy is not as important to my parents, or to the rest of the family as Gabe is. She got shorted on her birthday, nobody even paid attention except for a few family members. Ugh.

I need to really figure out how to get rid of this anger. On a higher note, this weekend is our Day out with Thomas trip and I’m trying to be excited despite my moods. I order Maddy a Thomas dress from etsy(totally adorable, by the way) and Gabe is going to wear his "I spent a day out with Thomas" shirt from last year and then we decided we’d let him buy a new one at the show since they always have really cool ones. We need this time for the four of us. I need this time for me.

Goodnight all.