Faith

I honestly can’t say what a big part of my life Faith truly is. Faith in God, Faith that all will be okay in the end. It’s not exactly something I learned when I was younger, or maybe it comes with age. Maybe it takes that one special person to show it all to you. How it comes to you I’m not exactly sure…but when it finally comes, it makes everything so much easier.  There are days I bend in prayer, days I listen to the Christian station in the car while the kids are babbling loudly & crazy in the backseat. Days that have gone all wrong until you take a second to really think about it in the big scheme of things… big things become tiny, big worries are turned over to God, and everything eases.

They say when you accept Christ, you’ll know it. You’ll feel healed, calm. I used to think it was kind of a joke, until it happened. And they were right.

With God, all is easier. It may not always be easy, but it’s easier than battling it yourself.

It brings on Faith in all other aspects of your life, as well. I’m a completely different person in life, so much more positive. So much more strength and endurance. It makes me a better mommy because I’m happier, more confident in myself and my decisions, so much more patient. So much more in love with these sweet blessings. So much more appreciative of every second I have with them.. more grateful to the man I love for working so hard so that I can be home with them most of the time and enjoy almost every second of their lives. Everything is brighter, even the tougher days.

It’s helped me to deal with pain from my parents. I have to admit.. I was shattered to my core when they divorced. My whole foundation crumbled. Call me dramatic, but my family unit was very strong previous to this. But in the aftermath of it, I’ve grown so much. Everything truly happens for a reason. The divorce has made me grow as a person, to realize everything wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. It has made me incredibly closer to my father, who I barely had a friendship with previous. It made JP and I a lot stronger..once I lost my family unit, I searched everywhere.. I went crazy for awhile. I finally found my family with him, with our beautiful children. He has become my best friend, the closest person in my life… a spot my mom once held. Unfortunately, that relationship is very rocky and unstable. I can’t take the constant up and downs of her and have gone somewhat numb. I can’t deal with her one day wanting to be a mother, and the next day I’m so far down on her list of priorities that I can’t swim. It’s not a healthy relationship, but one that I have to continue to have so my children can have their grandmother. I numb myself to it.

I have also come to build a relationship with a person who used to be my number one annoyance. JP’s mom, Joy. We have had a very up/down relationship in our almost 10 years together. I have to realize that these people are my family now, and they are the people who raised the man I love. I appreciate them so much more when I think about it that way and all she does for my children. She would die for those kids.. sure she’s a little quirky, and every a little annoying…and she talks (ALOT) but she does truly love and care for us all. His brother has become a huge part of childrens’ lives and they absolutely adore him.

I’ve grown a lot over the past year. I’m ready to take on the world instead of hiding behind changing diapers & reading stories. I’ve come to enjoy my children… not that I didn’t before, but I was never the type of mommy to play with Gabe. As Maddy has gotten older, we do so much more with our kids. There isn’t a day that goes by that I didn’t do something with them, take them somewhere, or simply get down to their level and ENJOY them. They’re only little for so long..

I’m ready to take on schooling. I’m not afraid of anyone anymore, or what they think of me. I’m me.. I’m confident in me. Other peoples opinions and judgements certainly aren’t worth the time. In the end, only One will judge.

Look down on me, Jesus.. you have to help me make a stand.

Truth is, I’ve wanted to write this for a really long time. I fear that it will come off self-righteous or wishy-washy. But in the end, it’s all about how I feel.. it doesn’t matter what others think or how they take it. Faith will pull us through.

To my sweet Gabriel and Madelyn.. you are amazing. I love you so much more with each day. Your smiles are rain on a hot day, rainbows in the sky, and all that I live for. Your Mommy loves you more than you will ever know.