Confession; I feel guilty

I’ve been contemplating this entry for a few days. Thinking about how things have changed and how different they can be.

I’m not sure if I’m the only mother that feels this way or what. I can’t believe how different Maddy and Gabe are, and how different I’m raising them. I feel like a completely different mother with Maddy as a baby than I did with Gabe.

With Gabe, I was younger…only 19. I lived with my parents and my relationship with JP was rocky and shakey. My parents were a BIG part of Gabe’s life, especially my mother. I think, in some senses, she overstepped me and raised him HER way. I was more into the cool baby things and buying things for him. He had the best of all the baby furniture- swings, walkers, exercausers, bouncers, etc. I relied on a lot of outside objects for his comfort.. he practically lived in his swing because he loved it so much, a pacifier, and any other baby objects than I thought would bring him comfort. His life was unstable at points, due to mine and JP’s relationship issues. He was hauled around from place to place at times. As a baby and toddler, he was very fussy and high-needs. He HAD to have things one certain way or it was a disaster. I wasn’t completely focused on him like I should have been.. I was still growing up myself in a lot of ways. Breastfeeding was not possible with him, by the time he had been in the NICU with a paci & bottle, he refused to latch. They took him from me within minutes of his delivery and he spent his days in the NICU, with only limited contact when he was allowed to be out of his isolette. I still pumped in the very first weeks, but it became too much for me and I quit. I wish I hadn’t made that selfish decision back then, but I did. He has grown into a wonderful little boy, but there’s so many things I wish I had done differently.

With Maddy, I felt more stable and confident in myself. JP and I have happily been together and secure now and we live on our own. We’re already a family, this is just our new addition. They laid her in my arms no more than 10 minutes after her birth and I was able to stare at her, feel her tiny fingers & toes, kiss her sweet cheecks, and all around bond with her. I was able to start breastfeeding immediately and she latched on like second nature. I had more patience and just wanted to focus on her this time around. She’s now 2 weeks & 4 days old and she’s so much calmer than Gabey was. I don’t rely on swings or pacis for comfort.. if she needs comfort, I hold her and cuddle her close or she nurses. In the middle of the night when she won’t go back to sleep, I tell myself it won’t last forever and soon it’ll be over.. she won’t be a baby anymore, so I mize well enjoy every single second. I spend every minute I can holding her and talking to her, kissing her, being her comfort. I’m so much more confident in myself and my decisions. I plan to start baby wearing her as soon as my baby wrap comes in. In her short life thus far, she hasn’t been out of my sight or with anyone else. I am her mother.. my mother isn’t around to step in and take over when I’m overwhelmed. I have to breathe and just know that I’m doing things okay and maybe it’s just a fussy day for her. Life is so much calmer with her.. I rely on myself.

I wish I could go back and give Gabe the same start Maddy has had. I feel guilty every day for a lot of my decisions that I made, that affected Gabe. I feel bad for the times when JP and I were fighting and it may have caused tension for him. He has turned out wonderfully, other than being a terrible 2 year old, and I know I should feel okay. but I don’t. He is still very attached to my mother, more so to her than to myself I would say. Sometimes I still feel as if she oversteps her bonds and mothers him way more than she should. But mistakes have been made, and I won’t pull her away from Gabe simply so he can be more attached to me.

And then there’s the whole trying to split myself evenly between my kids. It always seems like if I’m spending time with one, I feel bad that I’m not with the other. It’s a vicious cycle and I really hope it evens out.. I don’t know if I was cut out to be a mom of two. I feel too damn guilty all the time.

I also feel guilty to say that I feel more attached to Maddy than I ever did with Gabe. We have one of those incredible bonds that I don’t feel I shared with Gabey. I’m not really sure. Maybe because we never really got the good oppurtunity to develop the bond, or maybe it’s because I didn’t try hard enough.

But at the end of the day, I have a happy 2 year old and a snuggly, well attached baby girl. That’s all I can pray for..and that I change myself to fit my kids better. I’m trying my hardest to become reconnected with Gabe, and my hardest to stay bonded with little Miss Maddy.