life update.

Okay, this might be a long one because I haven’t written in awhile and I actually feel like it this morning. And my wonderful 2 year old is currently caught up in Curious George, so I’ve got some time. (I hope)

I’m not really sure why I don’t write anymore. I keep A LOT of my feelings bundled up inside me these days. Mostly because a lot of my outlets for those feelings have shut down and therefor, I’ve just kept my mouth closed and my heart heavy.

Let’s start with my parents. Or lack thereof. I’ve slowly come to the realization that my mother does not give a crap about anyone besides herself and the guys that treat her like hell. Must be something attractive about that. She made a comment on facebook one day that she was going to stay single because all men were liars and full of drama. I bit my fingertips off to keep from replying "my dad never lied. all my dad ever did was love you." I’m coming to be very protective and posessive of my father. I’m tired of my mom, and my grandmother making this all out to be HIS fault. SHE left him. She cheated on him. She divorced him. End of story. About 2 weeks ago, my parents spent an afternoon together and according to my mom "things got out of hand." They were discussing working on things. About a week later, my dad took me out to breakfast to explain to me that he doesn’t want me to have any false hopes, and that the afternoon he spent with my mom only seemed to make him realize how much he cares/loves Ellen(his girlfriend). Whatever. Did you realize that before or after…or even during…fucking my mom? Okay, so maybe I’m a bit harsh but I’m so tired of it. They need to make up or be done with it. There’s a lot more at stake with them than just them. How about me? How about Ellen? How about everyone else who has some emotional stake in all this? I don’t think my mom gets it. I’m not sure if my dad gets it, and just has weak moments..or what. Anyway, later that week they agreed to go out to dinner. My dad never called her or anything, and he told me his heart wasn’t in it..So here I sit, knowing full well how my dad feels, while my mom wonders why he suddenly is showing the cold shoulder. Oh, how wonderful it is. And then on top of it, I have to listen to my grandmother.. "I wish your dad would just stop playing games." Uhm. Yeah. I don’t think he’s playing games, I think he’s CONFUSED. Mom had her time to be confused, and still does.. why can’t he have a little? And as for playing games.. my mom’s played her fair share on everyone in this situation, including my grandma. She’s nothing but a shitty ass liar. I often tell JP that I don’t feel as if I have a mother anymore, more like I’m raising my own 15 year old daughter. It’s been a damn long time since I felt like I had a mom and I think it will be a long time, or even if I ever feel like I do.

So I’m a little bitter. Maybe because I’m constantly stuck in the middle, maybe because I’m grieving for everyone tangled up in this stupid relationship. I, by no means, care immensely for Ellen but she is still a person and I can tell she really cares about my dad. She’s always trying to make him happy and be there for him. And everytime I see her, I’m going to have to look at her and know my dad has cheated on her and have to keep my mouth shut. Why do I have to be the secret keeper in this situation? Seriously.

My relationship with my dad is getting better, slowly but surely. Up until recently, he barely came around. Granted, we both work really weird work schedules but still.. he’d say he was coming over at such and such time and never show up. I stayed tough about it, but inside I felt like a 5 year old little girl standing by the door. We’ve had breakfast now and he tries to make an effort with Gabe. I think he wants to be involved with us, but my mom was always like the connecting link. We’ve never really had to have a relationship between just the two of us- if that makes any sense. But we’re working on it.

ANYWAY. That felt good to get out.

Life here at home has been okay. Starting to have my really uncomfortable days as were nearing 31 weeks. My patience is really far gone on some days, too. And despite everything, I still feel like I live with three children- Gabe, JP, and Jake(the dog). All I ever do is take care of someone, or something, in this house. It’s hard to explain what it’s like between JP and I. I don’t get why he does the things he does, I don’t get why he doesn’t care about some things and worries constantly over stupid stuff. And it seems like he’s constantly trying to get some, and all I want is to be left alone. I’m 31 weeks pregnant for God’s sake.. and I spent all day, every day..taking care of Gabe, taking care of the animals, cleaning the house, and working fulltime. I’m TIRED. And if he thinks it’s going to get any better when our daughter arrives, he must be smoking the good stuff. He helps me out, don’t get me wrong.. but there are other times where I just look at him and shake my head. This morning he attempts to clean off the counter and sweeps all the coffee grounds onto the floor. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t have to care if things get done- because they do anyway, with our without his help. I don’t get that luxury. If I don’t do the laundry or clean the house, we won’t have clean clothes to wear and we’ll live in a dirty house. And don’t even get me started on sharing the bed. I swear everytime I get comfortable, he rolls over and breaths stinky breath in my face. Or starts to snore. Or farts. I want my own bedroom, please.

Gabe is growing like a weed and becoming so smart. He’s truly been my guilding light in a lot of all this. At 2 years old, he’s just so grown-up. We’re still working on potty training and the temper tantrums, but I’m hoping he’ll potty train when he’s ready and outgrow the tantrums. After all, what 2 y/o doesn’t have one every now and again? It’ll be better when I can be home with him everday when I start second shift. He won’t spend any time with Grandma, bless her heart, but she lets him get away with anything & everything. Then when we’re home with him, he doesn’t understand why we don’t wait on him hand and foot or give him ice cream at 9am. It’s going to be really nice, hopefully, to be off with the kids for 6-8 weeks. I really can’t wait. Yesterday we went to the zoo and were the only ones there. It was really nice and I think Gabe really likes doing things just the two of us.

Second shift starts April 2nd. Mon, Wed, Fri 3-10p and every other weekend 10a-10p. It’s going to be rough to work this getting more and more pregnant but I’m hoping I can hold out. If all goes well, my last day will most likely be May 26th and I’m due the 27th. If I do, God forbid, become overdue I really don’t want to be at work on the floor, alone. Otherwise, if the doctor cuts me off I will deal. 😉

Jake has settled in beautifully here. We have to get him out a lot for walks and to run otherwise he’s a pup on crack. But it’s nice not to have to yell at a puppy every 5 minutes to drop that, stop that, stop humping, etc.. you get my point. We took him to the vet and got him up to date on everything so he’s good for the year and camping.

And a subject I don’t often speak of…Phil. Yeah, I still think about him every few days. I wonder if it’

s the same for him. When the sun is setting, does he think about the times we spent on the creek bank staring at one another? Does he catch songs on the radio and think of me? Truth be told, I don’t know if he ever thinks about me. He’s too noble and faithful to his girlfriend to ever mutter a word. Part of me thinks he doesn’t say anything because he knows how easy it would be for us to slip back into one another. And part of me knows that’s why I don’t say anything, either. He texts me sometimes and I try to keep things cordial and friendly. In July, it’ll be a year since anything physical has happened between us. I never thought I would have been unfaithful, but I was only being true to my heart. Sometimes I still think he was my soulmate. I wonder if life would have been different how it would have turned out. If I had met him at 16, instead of a mother at 20. He sounds happy, though.. and I take solace and comfort in that.

And I’m getting there, too.. but I always feel like there’s something missing, like there’s a hole in my heart. I will always encourage my kids to follow their hearts and make their lives into more than I made mine into. I hope they find somebody they can’t live without thinking about everyday and hang onto them forever.

Well, enough of this.. I should get going. I think Gabe and I are going to run some errands this morning.