my life..where is it going..

Okay, so I think, by the notes I recieved, that some people misinterpreted my anger. I can handle the divorce, although it’s really tough, it’s all the extra crap that goes along with it. My parents have been together 30 years, married for 22 of those, and I’ve never seen them fight. Sure, my mom complained about my dad every now and then.. but never to this point. I could see if she was walking away from the marriage on her own, but I feel she is being dragged by Gary(aka fuckhead/boytoy). He put his nose where it didn’t belong in my parent’s marriage in the beginning and has continued to do so from there on out. He is the one who caused this divorce. And then my dad turns around and starts dating a little less than two months after my mom moves out. Which, fine. But… how after 30 years do you just decide you’re done and start dating again? My mom meet Gary, my mom left my dad, my dad started seeing Ellen, and the divorce was filed all in under four months- for two people who maybe had their issues but never fought? My mom met Gary April 16th.. and I believe she moved out of my dad’s house the first week of July. And then there’s Ellen, who is also sticking her nose into places it doesn’t belong. I just wish Ellen and Gary would back off and let my parents handle things. When my parents look back on this, I want them to know fully they made the right decision. And I don’t think either of them will. I think they will realize that, given half the chance, things may have worked out differently. No, I’m not saying they should stay together.. but they shouldn’t have any regrets either. I know my mom already has her fair share. So, I apologize for my anger, but it was simply a way to vent. On top of all of this, I wish one of them would sit down with me and say "Tanya, how does this make you feel.." I’m not saying they have to change anything for me, but just to know they care how this makes me feel would be helpful.

Anyway.

Gabe and I are both sick. Mine started Saturday at work with a sore throat and Gabe’s started with a runny nose and posisbly a sore throat? It almost immediately turned into croupe, but a night or two with the window open and the cool night air seemed to clear it up. I guess the doctor was right. Once a kid gets croupe, they get it almost every time they get sick thereafter. I’m trying to ride this cold out and hoping it doesn’t turn into anything worse like it usually does. I bought some Children’s Tylenol w/ Multisymptom Cold for Gabe… I know you’re not supposed to use anything like that for kids under 4, but for crying out loud.. normal Tylenol does NOTHING for a cold. I give him a really low dose, and it has honestly seemed to help a lot. Sue me. All I want to do is sleep. My house is an absolute mess and I barely
have the energy to look at it, much less clean it up.

I miss Phil like the dessert misses the rain and that’s really all I can say. I don’t know how to get passed my feelings for him or try to get over it. It’s been 13 months and I still miss everything about him. Our Little Angel would have been 3 months old.. I still miss the way his voice softens, the way he held me, his smiles, his intense eyes when hes really concentrated, the simpleness of his love. I don’t know what to do. I know I’m going to live with these regrets for the last of my days, and I know on my death bed I’m still going to be thinking about him. In fourty years, I’ll have wondered what my life would’ve been like with him by my side.

I trust him with my heart more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. He has never lied to me, only broke one promise by accident, and cherished me from the minute he met me. I feel more connected to him than I ever have to anyone. There’s just something there when I look in his eyes.

I know if I didn’t have Gabe, JP and I would not be together anymore. The decision to stay with Phil would’ve been an absolutely no-brainer. I’m sure many of my long time readers will remember the nights I sat home crying over JP when he decided to be an ass, which during our teen years, was A LOT. And they’ll also remember my entries from the first days with Phil.

I do love JP, but more as my best friend. There is no sexual or relationship attraction there anymore. He still lies to me these days, despite turning himself around. I don’t trust him very much at all… with anything. And certainly not my heart. I don’t trust that if we got married, he could be faithful to me for the rest of our days.. and the same goes for me. I think we might both step outside the marriage.

But I don’t know if I have this fantasy of the way it would be with Phil, or what.. but I trust him that we would have a wonderful marriage. We just have that connection. I feel like he was made for me, and afterall.. what man would wait over a year? I feel like he is the man everyone wants, the one the movies are based on, or the romance novels..

What the hell am I doing with my life…