Freeport with Freedom

“You’re going to find your way some where, some how”..How?

Here I am just trying to release from every creative outlet I can place my hands and bank account on. I have lost all hope in you.

You, you, you. You who I care for you, you who I see. Sometimes I think this world is so unfair. Spend my time in the vibrations of someone who cares less and less for what I say or do on the daily. A meaningless conversation doesn’t even go noticed. And I have to start all the meaningful ones. And all the meaningful ones are shitty. Full of bitterness, anger, and dispair. Push back, push back, push back. That’s all I feel. I just feel pushed back.

How long can I really take this? You ask. Well fuck you too. Because you are also one that pushes me away, and does not let me in. How dare I try to be open and care free as I want to be when you can’t even ask a simple question as to what, where, and why. So go fuck yourself too.

You sit in me like a lump in my throat.

You remind me of wanting to cry and you remind me wanting a better life for myself.

But you don’t understand safety. You don’t understand how a home is not just a real home, and a home can’t just be found so quickly and so easily.

No, a home should be forever. A home should atleast be for a long time. Life came easy for you and you know not the value of money how you hold to it tightly because it shows you honor and goals being met. No, the value of money is held on tight due to representing the life you can’t let go of.

I don’t hold onto what I have because I’m not interested what is out there for me, no I hold onto this life that I live because I am scared that at any moment now it might be taken away from me. Even if I did nothing wrong, still I feel like I may never have anything as good as this again. Anything as good as it once was, at least. When I let go of all of this, then I am alone and empty and without a home again.

Do you even know how many times I had to let go of homes without my desire? Without my choosing, without my wanting to? It didn’t matter how much it lacked and fell apart, I knew I could continue to keep it up in one piece. I was not going to let my home fall upon my head once more again.

I’ve had my home fall down around me, upon me, and within me. I know what that is like, and if I have to be unhappy for half of my day, that makes more emotional and not logical sense for me to function and keep it going.

And to top it off, I have no home and I’m not sure what home I even sought out for. How can I find something I have no clue what it should look like? For how it should feel? For where it should stand?

I’m angry at you as I am as angry at myself. And to those who led me to believe that I had no true home.

A home, a home, a home.

If you could look within yourself, you would see that your Soul would be your home. That your Soul plants you and guides you all at the same time. I searched for answers, I searched for signs, I searched for all forms of meanings at all times. And it just pisses me off the most that God plants in only one moment to speak weekly, and why is it that God keeps us connecting with the same people over and over again? And other times has us connect with others in other ways as they become revolving doors in our lives? Why is it so important that I, right now, have the same few people reflect back only the same parts of me over and over again? What have I done to them or to me or to the past of us to learn all of this and not be able to set sail in a free port with freedom?