Tears, idle tears…

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.
     ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Last year at this time, I was dreading Thanksgiving.  I didn’t want it to happen.  But it came and went and for the most part, it wasn’t bad.  It was all the stupid drama in the aftermath that pisses me off the most.  This year is the first year in years where were not staying home.  We’re going to visit family friends in the DC area.  I’m sad.  I look forward to making dinner on Thanksgiving each year.  I do it all my self.  It’s like a tradition.  I wake up early and watch the Macy’s parade and as soon as it’s done, I start cooking.  It’s usually cold outside and it’s all nice and warm and toasty inside.  I’m going to miss out on that this year.

My grandmother is sick.  I’m not sure how sick, but still sick.  I just found out that she’s 75 years old.  I knew she was old, but I  never thought about how old. I don’t want her to die.  I want to see her at least once more.  My mom seems ok with the idea.  She says she would rather see her go now, not suffering or in pain then after being eaten away by some awful disease.  She says it would be easier for her brother’s family who is taking care of her.  I hate it when she’s so practical like that.  I wonder if she would feel different if it were her biological mother.  I know that ‘s not fair to say.  My mom loves her mom.  I have no doubt of that.  It’s a topic I never bring up with my mom.  I don’t ask her what it was like when her mom died.  I don’t ask her how my grandfather married again or how he told the kids or how it felt for them when they all of a sudden had a new mom.   My mom has told me before that her biological mom wasn’t a very affectionate person.  My grandmother on the other hand is.  She’s so soft and loving and caring.  My biological grandmother was beautiful though.  Great facial features and HUGE big eyes.  My mom looks a lot like her.  My grandmother wasn’t pretty at all.  In fact, I guess others would probably even call her ugly.  I don’t see it.  She’s not ugly to me.  She was 35 when my biological grandmother died and she was still unmarried.  Apparently my biological grandmother knew her and once had even told my grandfather that they needed to find someone for her. But then my bio grandmother passed away and my grandfather married my grandmother.  My heart breaks for her when i think about it some times.  She was really old according to the standards of those days.  And when she finally did get married, she had to settle for a man who was already married once and had 5 children.  She never had any children of her own.  I wonder if she’s sad about that.  I wonder if it’s something I can ever ask her.  She raises 5 kids, all of whom from my understanding loved and respected her and still all do.  She is their mother is ever sense of the word.  But I wonder if she imagined her life to be different when she was younger.  I wonder if it makes her sad that she never carried a child of her own.  I wonder if she feels less or a woman or incomplete in any way.  I wonder how love works and if my grandfather loved her or did he just marry her out of duty, to provide a mother to his 5 children.  I wonder if eventually he thought of her as his wife.  Growing up, I remember them even having seperate beds.  Later on, I think they did share the same bed.  But I wonder…was it a marriage of convenience.  She’s such a good person.  She’s so happy and loving.  I’ve never seen her sad.  I hope she is happy with her life.  I hope she’s not so sick now that she’ll die. I’m not ready to lose her yet.  She may not be my mom’s biological mom, but she’s the only grandmother I’ve ever know and I know she still loves me. 

My heart feels really heavy.  It’s hard to breathe sometimes.  I’m not sure what’s causing it.  I’ve been feeling like that for a few days know.  It’s this feeling I can’t get over.  I feel overwhelming waves of sadness at times.  It’s completely illogical to me.  There’s so much going right in my life.  I shouldn’t be feeling bad.  It just makes me wonder if something bad is going to happen.