Unwritten life

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I take my life for granted.  I really do.  And the thing is, it’s not the first time I’ve written about it.  I know how lucky I am yet I forget it so easily and start bitching about life again.

One of my faves on here is losing his mother to cancer.  Reading his entries are heart breaking.  I don’t know him really…not beyond what I’ve read in his entries over the years, yet reading his latest entries totally make me cry.  My mom’s been sick since last week.  It’s nothing serious…the doctors think it migh be mono…she’s been doing nothing all week but sleeping and she’s had a high temperature that doesn’t seem to want to come down.  She’s a big baby when it comes to being sick anyway…she can’t handle anything.  She’s not a strong person.  Never has been and never will be.  I know this sickness isn’t life threatening, but I also realize that both my parents are getting older and I will lose them sometime in the future and I don’t know what I’ll do when that comes around.  I know me.  I’ll fall apart totally.  I don’t know that I will be able to stay strong and I will most definitely need someone to lean on.  And I think that’s the part that makes me the saddest….I don’t know if I’ll ever really have someone to lean on.  My parents have been that for me my whole life.  No matter how bad things got…even if I couldn’t tell them what was wrong, I could still lean on them.

Life just sucks.  It reminded me of a conversation I had with Dino about a year ago I think.  One of his best friend’s mom passed away and Dino just didn’t understand why bad things happen…especially to good people.  I don’t get it either.  It just doesn’t seem fair.  I wonder if it’s something you get used to with age?  I guess that’s what makes people jaded and cynical.  Life really does suck.  But it makes me realize that the stupid silly little every day problems I have don’t amount to a hill of beans!  There’s so much worse out there and I just need to be happy and be thankful for what I do have.

It’s funny how OD works.  There are people on here that I have been reading for years.  In a odd way, I feel close to them.  And I know that the people who read my entries probably know me better than most people in my real life.  That’s actually a scary thought.  It’s als the reason I would never want to meet anyone here.  It would be extremely scary to face to face meet with someone who knows the innermost thoughts of my heart.  It’s just crazy.

Well I’m at work…there’s tons more on my mind but I dont’ think I’m being coherent because I keep waiting for the phone to ring or a co worker to walk by.  I’ll try this again later.