This semi-charmed life…

Feel myself with a head made of the ground, I’m scared but I’m not coming down.
And I won’t run for my life,
She’s got her jaws just locked now in smile
But nothing is all right,
All right, I want something else,
To get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life,
I want something else
     ~Third Eye Blind

I should be banned from reading my old diary entries!!  OMG!!  I should just go and delete them all right now!  25 year old me was so different from 29 year old me.  I don’t think I realized how much I’ve changed until I went back and read some of the stuff I’d written before.  So now I’m trying to figure out why I’m this way.  The answer really is simple.  This isn’t how I expected my life to be.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad life.  I have friends and family and a job.  But there is something missing and as much as I hate to say it, I think it’s love…romantic love.  25 year old me had so much optimism and was so looking forward to what life would bring.  Me now?  I’m just kinda living one day at a time and watching time pass me by as the years just kinda blend together.  I used to write poetry!!  What happened?  I’m just not inspired any more.  I have nothing to say.  Nothing that seems interesting enough to write a poem about.  How do people change?  They say the first step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have one.  Ok.  I admit I have one.  I want to go back to being that optimistic girl with dreams again.  How do I do it?

There’s been so much I’ve been meaning to write about in here but each day when I get home from work, I’m just tired and don’t want to use my brain.  I sit and watch TV and then go to sleep.  I guess I’ll write once in a while, but even then, it’s usually brainless stuff.  One of the things I’ve been meaning to write about is my lava lamp…my lava lamp has cancer.  Ok, not really, because that makes no sense.  But it’s weird…the bubbles will get these tiny bubbles inside them that look like weird growths and looking at it, it reminds me of cancer.  And when I do think of that, it makes me sick to my stomach…like really sick.  I don’t know what it is.  Did I die of cancer in a past life?  It’s just the grossest feeling in the world.

What else?  A while back I wrote about my eyes always falling on the clock when it’s 1:11 AM.  Tobermory told me that it was because my internal clock was just used to waking up at that time each night and when I did, I just happened to look at the clock.  I bought it.  It made sense.  But these days, I find myself looking at a clock when it’s 1:11 PM or 11:11 AM or PM.  It’s the weirdest thing and it doesn’t happen every day, but at least a few times a week.  I’ll be in the car and looking to see if I’m late getting back to work from lunch and there it is…1:11.  I’ll be in the kitchen getting something to eat or drink on a weekend day and there it is, 11:11.  I’ll wake up from deep sleep and turn to see what time it is and it’s 1:11.  It’s happening all the time now.  I really want to know if there is something to it.

I don’t know…there are other stuff, but I cant’ think right now.  My boss is weird and I dont’ know what to make of what he does or says sometimes.  We never really settled on what time I’m working.  He wants phone coverage until 6 but Dino is never there when I get there at 8:30 and he’s usually out the door at 5:30.  What the fuck am I supposed to do, work from 8 to 6?  I always feel like he gives me a weird look when I leave at 5:30 which I hardly ever do…I never leave right on the dot.  Yet today, as we were getting ready to leave and both Dino and I were working on stuff, he goes to Dino and tells him to get out of there since he’s going to have a touch week next week!  WHAT THE FUCK!  I’ll be the one working long hours training which is never a 8 to 5 thing.  It require more work when I get back to my hotel room.  I don’t know.  I should just be thankful that I have a job.  But man!  This can’t be all there is to life!  I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life in a job working for someone else and worrying about whether or not I’m doing it their way?  Not that owning my own business appeals to me either.  To much headache…too much risk.  So where does that leave me?  Being a big old loser and sitting on my ass all day.  Great!  I can live on welfare and food stamps!   But the thing is I would never be able to do that.  I want to do something meaningful with my life, but I just dont’ know what it is.  How do I go about finding that out??  Are people supposed to spend their 20s finding themselves?  Well, my 20s are over and I’m still as lost as ever, if not more lost then I ever thought I’d be and I have no idea where to start finding myself.  What I need to do is just tell the whole world to fuck off and go seach for what will make me happy.  But it all goes back to money.  I would need money to go find it without having to work and without working, I have no money.  What a useless cycle.

I’m done.  I’m tired and cranky and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.  It’s also fucking freezing in here.  Hello!! It’s the end of March and the weather sucks!! Where’s my Spring???!!!???  I’m gonna shoot that damn groundhog if I ever see him!