I Can’t.
My mental health is pretty much in the depths of hell right now. I keep asking myself what is the point? I can’t find many reasons to keep going. I don’t want to do this anymore. The only reason I haven’t just taken myself out is my cat. That is the ONLY reason. No one else seems to really care about me. I don’t have a best friend anymore. All other friends have their own lives and I can’t even hang out with them because I’m afraid my douche-bag BF would get mad at me for going to see them. I’m trying to figure out why I would need to stay on this earth. I just can’t do it anymore. And I fucking HATE when people say, “It gets better…” Because it DOESN’T!!! People have been telling me that since I was a child with shitty parents and was being bullied in school. I am 36 years old. I’d say if it was going to get better, I would have figured out a fucking way by now. I have never been happy. I have been miserable my entire fucking life and I am SICK of it. I just can’t do it anymore. And I’m so lonely. Nobody fucking cares how much I am hurting. Nobody cares that I would do so much for so many people who do literally NOTHING for me. I’m tired of giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I’m tired of doing things for people who treat me like trash. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.
Then quite simply – don’t, don’t take yourself and don’t take poop from anyone that doesn’t deserve that level of understanding, respect, and kindness. Trust, Kindness and Respect are the 3 pillars of a relationship. Do you get any of those? Do you give any of those?
There’s clearly no value in your romantic relationship. Even if the laptop thing from the other day isn’t about you and simply displacement from some other conflict – you don’t deserve that. You deserve happiness. While the road to gaining that is scary creating insecurity, doubt, and creating a lot of unknowns – is that really worse than what’s known?
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People will run over you and keep taking as long as you are willing to give. Just don’t any more. Just take care of yourself and learn to say no to other people. I’ve had to do that. I was also sick of giving and giving of myself and getting absolutely nothing, not even a thanks, in return. I don’t do that any more. I have no problem turning people down and saying no and it’s made my life so much easier. (((Big Hug))) to you.
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