Self pity party for one?

I am having one of those days I so often do. The kind of day where everything reminds me of how much of a failure I am. I have no friends. My family doesn’t really like me they just tolerate me. I am trying my best to raise a child who is anything but me, she’s amazing. I am selfish and negative. I have moments of real clarity where I see myself for who I really am and it’s just so damn pitiful. I just wish I could do something right. I wish I could find my path but everyone I take is a dead end. I am stuck in this poor, unhappy, ridiculously low part of my life and I can’t scratch my way out of it. I try to help people I really do but it does nothing, I just make it worse… ugh pity party for 1.
Now I got that out, I can write what I intended to write in the first place…

I have seen multiple therapists throughout my 30 plus years of life. I started when I was just 13. The messed up part of low income insurance is that once you’ve jumped through the hoops and flames of filling out the paperwork and attending group classes (that are usually for people that have been ordered it by the state), you finally get to see your therapist. This process takes months and months, so when you finally get to see them it’s like a build up of frustration and a little relief. I usually had 2-3 appointments before this therapist found better pay elsewhere and then I was back to waiting for a replacement and by then, I was over it. I mean why get attached to any of these people, they just gonna leave, right?

About a year ago, I found a therapist through my insurance that actually worked at my doctors clinic. I saw her twice and on the third time, she asked me if I wanted to go through my life starting from the beginning… I without thinking, said yes. I went home and thought about it for weeks… I eventually flaked on this next appointment. I flaked on the next one too… I wasn’t ready I guess? I mean I never came that far with a therapist and I already had told her so much… why get attached?

Ultimately I am happy that I found website because I plan on sharing my life and moments of trauma… just like I should have with the therapist from a year back.