Insightful Artichoke

I feel happy today 🙂 For the first time sense my sister died 12 days ago I awoke feeling lighter, yay!

So crazy, I always know when some, not all, people die. I feel, sense, and see energy and can always nail an individuals vibrational pattern, usually in musical Hz and/or aura colors. Thoughts of things that people feel strongly about come right at me, in waves of images, colors, music, and emotions.

I can be talking on the phone with a total stranger and have images they are projecting just pop into my head (if I’m not blocking carefully), like this morgue worker yesterday, almost 1700 miles away from me, he was thinking very strongly about making chicken coated in parmesan cheese for his dinner. So at the end of the convo I said hay add some ground up pork rinds for an extra crunch, no carbs. He was like what? lol, so I told him he was a major broadcaster and that the chicken would be crispier if he tried that. He said ok I will, nervously, and shortly hung up the phone.

With my sisters death, that night I felt it. We were not close as adults (long story), but we were as children. I love her, she has a beautiful soul, (energy, essence, glue-on, etc.), so like I do with all living things that need my help ascending, I played the 432Hz music she needed specifically to help guide her way. It took about 12 hours for her to rise, spiraling upwards slowly, in the light of her choice, greens, until she (her soul) was once again reunited with the universe.

I fell asleep knowing she was gone. A couple of hours later my niece calls me in tears devastated by her mums loss. I have been devastated too, even though I know the soul goes on.

The grief I feel when I loose somebody I love has more to do with my needs, rather then the actual loss of the individuals body. The need to tell the person you love your thoughts, feelings, insights, etc., all those unresolved issues, missed personal growth opportunities, etc.

The reason for happiness today is simply respect. My sister didn’t want anybody to know her dirty little alcoholic secret, she was ashamed, she hid it well. People in general, simply don’t like showing the world their private negative attributes such as addictions, mental imbalances, fears, etc. In our society today it’s no wonder.

I have to respect a persons privacy, the right to keep their secrets, knowing that if they don’t want to talk/think about it, and/or want/need my or anyone else’s help for various reason like emotional pain, shame, pride, ego, ignorance, denial, etc., I must respect that! Obviously I’m not perfect, I don’t always mind my own business, note the morgue chicken guy above!

It’s painful, I want to lighten hearts, usher in beauty and joy, etc., but if a person simply does not want anyone to understand them, empathize with, ease their loneliness, heartache, frustrations, etc., then I can’t do a dam thing! It’s a helpless feeling to watch those you love destroy themselves, but until a person is ready to help themselves nobody can help them.

I always think of this process like running along a beautiful path that suddenly grinds to a abrupt halt because there is a massive brick wall blocking you from progressing forward. You can’t go over it, under it, thru it, or around it. That brick wall stops a person dead in their tracks and until they figure out what that wall actually is they will never be able to surpass it.

For my sister, she refused to understand what love is! She would always say when asked things like “do you love them”? She would reply “I don’t know, what love is”, or “I’ve never felt love”, etc.! She did this with everybody, denying her deeper emotions in favor of a more unconscious, factual, material, touch it, see it, physical existence. She refused to let her heart feel what it felt, that was her brick wall. Unable to allow love in or out, she escaped into control, self-abuse, & addiction.

My need to help her in anyway possible has caused me an insane amount of grief, frustration, guilt, and anger. All those if onlys. If only I did this or that she would be alive today! But I couldn’t tear down the wall for her, only she could. She did not want to be vulnerable, or open in any way. She, like some of us, did not want to or wasn’t emotionally mature enough to feel pain (insert here; judged, ridiculed, ashamed, negativity, etc.), so she closed up- effectually not opening up to, or experiencing true and deep love. All feelings must be equally and truly felt, positive or negative, embrace them.

Those buggered little neurotic like road blocks that keep us from truly feeling deeply from one end of the spectrum to the other, are absolutely the blight of our psyche. But under it all it’s our perceived notions of unworthiness, lack of healthy self-love, inability to do the real self-help/work, caring about what others think/say about your truth, the all to powerful fear of rejection, arrogance, cynicism, inflexibility, closed-mindedness, etc., that would free us from the restraints that bind us in such an unforgiving locked down, locked out way, like a straight jacket, these preconceived notions simply do not allow for opportunity, compassion, forgiveness, inner peace, a knowing of oneness within all, etc.

These realms of unconscious emotions verses factual thinking consciousness are not as black and white as they may seem. They are in fact not the only types of consciousness there are.  When we bottle neck ourselves (or get blocked/walled out), into certain thought patterns and behaviors, we truly limit our own amazing abilities.

If you think about the I Am consciousness only, you may forsake the other types of consciousness such as; points of view consciousness, belief/spiritual consciousness, feeling/emotional consciousness, thought/mind consciousness, or levels such as super consciousness, etc. Being rational or logical does not necessarily mean you need to disconnect from you’re emotional consciousness for example. It just means you tend to be a more rational/logical person (masculine/left side of brain) who, perhaps, have not quite fully connected to and/or fully awakened your emotional/creative side (feminine/right side of brain).

Hum, so what to do? In my sisters case embracing something more creative, for example, may have helped her balance the more dominate logical side of herself. She did this to an extent with her competitive kayaking, unfortunately the very or hyper type of competitiveness she embraced only increased her vulnerability towards depression, anxiety, and stress. For balance, kayaking for the sake of kayaking, would have worked, minus the competitiveness. the hyper-competitiveness only actuated the external forces rather then the necessary internal forces, which, as we know, was the opposite of what she needed for balance.

My sister did not understand this. She spent all day in a highly-competitive logical work setting, her free time in a highly-competitive sport. Both of these roles lean towards the more masculine side, when in fact she needed to embrace her feminine side. By doing this she measured her self-worth by comparing herself to others, instead of measuring her self-worth based on her own beliefs and personal values. She looked outside of herself, instead of within. If you look outside of yourself instead of within you never quite feel good enough, and/or worthy of love and belonging from others. She didn’t understand what it meant to love or be loved.

That contrast in these two polarities caused a huge riff in her psyche. The alcoholism causes the brain to produce less dopamine (reward center of brain), which affects the feelings of pleasure, focus, interest, and happiness. This mixture of toxic imbalance between psyche and addiction no doubt lead her down the path she choose of self-destruction.