WHAM!
It’s that small moment of clarity that always hits you unexpectantly that I’ve been waiting for. The first one came 9 years ago when we dated the first time. I knew it was time to end it 11 months in, when it began storming and he wouldn’t go dance in the rain with me. Since then, we’ve grown up. He’s learned to dance in the rain and I’ve learned to love more solid things, as well as the art of endurance.
Now, on our second go round, that same small, yet powerful moment hit at a dangerous intersection: reading over old journals on old boyfriends, while contemplating the current. The exact line was "We get along seamlessly…". Well, D and I just don’t. I think we put too much energy into simply getting along and I think that is the root of all this extra energy I feel we’ve had to put into our relationship to keep it afloat. This seems like a simple observation, but it’s put that inner analyst at bay on the topic of "Why do I feel like we put more energy into our relationship than should be necessary?". It’s been Pinpointed. Exacted. Webbing NOW to a thousand other associations. Does this equal instant doom? Is it smart to continue in a relationship that has this factor? We HAVE worked through a lot of these "headbutting" factors in our relationship; does that mean we can continue to and build a happy, healthy life together? Are we just too different? The webs branch out endlessly…
So, friends, that’s where you come in and play the spider. Does this have a happy ending? When people say relationships require work, what exactly is it that you work on in a functioning relationship? Personality differences or living choices (finances, family matters, etc)? And where is that line? Some days I am so in love with him and just know that marriage is the right choice for us. Other days, I’m so discouraged and feel I’ve trapped myself in a psychological disaster of a future…
ryn: glad to be of service, ms. aislingeach! your thoughts on expending so much energy in your relationship are good ones. do you feel d puts in as much energy as you do? or are you putting in more than he is? as long as you’re both pulling your weight, i believe your relationship can have a happy ending! if you feel it’s all you, that can be a big warning sign. i feel that communication is the best work you can do for your relationship, once you have that down, everything falls into place… easier said than done, of course! (hi i know i just met you five minutes ago here is a random stranger’s two cents on something she knows nothing about!)
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It’s hard to say for sure based on the little i know, but I’ll just say that if it’s hard to get along well currently that won’t disappear once you’re married by any means, so it’s up to you if you feel comfortable committing to that. My experience has been that the things that drove me crazy pre-marriage are the same things that drive me crazy now. Also the things I liked about my husband
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pre-marriage and the same qualities I like / appreciate now. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone but i just advise people to make sure they’re really okay with certain factors because they might be around for decades. Don’t know if that helped, good luck…
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ryn: thanks for your note … Now … do you want the Social Worker, Psychologist, or another woman in a similar situation opinion on the questions posed in this entry? Or a combination of all three? Let me know 🙂
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As another person in a long term relationship bordering on the lines of marriage my thoughts are … Relationships do take work, but when it feels like you’re working more than actually enjoying the relationship than that is where a problem lies. For example, R. and I are complete opposites, but we co-exist wonderfully (most of the time, we have our share of arguments) because we respecteach other’s differences and generally don’t try to change the other or morph into what we perceive the other desires. So, it’s not a lot of work, but what work is required is easy and flows (for the most part) easily. However, there are times (in any relationship, mine especially) where it appears that one partner (usually R., I’m lazy LOL) is working harder than the other so if you see yourself working harder than him that is where you need to really think about whether or not this is what you truly desire – if you can’t picture yourself with anyone, but him any work be it personality or functionally is worth it, but if you question if he’s the one … then no doubt something is wrong and it’s either work as a team to fix it or sadly move on. So, you have to really decide if the love you
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feel is worth the work, but if you’re working too hard, hun. Then it’s really time to break out the yellow legal pad and complete a pros and cons list of your relationship which is such a Social Worker thing to say and segues right into my thoughts as a Social Worker/Case Manager … Determine if the pros outweigh the cons before diving into a marriage with this person. There’s a littlethought process I use in my head when working with clients that correlates directly with the “work” involved in a relationship … if it’s not a team effort then it’s not going to fly … if one person (usually me the Case Manager) wants the relationship to change/work more than the client (your partner, in this case) then you’re no longer cooperative partners, but two people forcing something to happen with no desire of the real results. The biggest thing is you need to determine the pros and cons then talk to him to determine the next course of action. You have to open up about your concerns or nothing will be solved, nothing. The line in the sand with working in relationships from both my personal and Social Worker side is this (c) …
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if one person is doing more work than the other then it’s really time to alter the course of the relationship … but do not try communicating ANY of this without the pros and cons list and really knowing what you want to say ’cause if you go to a gun battle without a gun, what’s going to happen. Think about it! Now, the psychological input …
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As women we are conditioned (thanks media hype!) to believe that there is a happily ever after and a prince on a white horse, motorcycle, whatever your dream is at the end of the rainbow. We spend our whole lives looking for this prince and happily ever after and then when we find what we perceive may be him we hyper analyze EVERYTHING (past relationships, romance novels, movies, etc.) and compare/contrast the unreality to the reality … the reality is that our prince isn’t going to be perfect and we create our happily ever after, but … if you’re not happy with this relationship 85% of the time than it’s time to determine faults, flaws, and what you can/can’t handle because it is only once those things are determined can you move to the next level of determining if the relationship is right for you! So, yes it takes work, but you should be happy doing that work and not doing it alone. Just remember it’s easier to figure out how to pay the rent then figure out how to handle emotions. Sad, but true. I hope my rambles helped and feel free to ask any questions if you need clarification.
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