Shalom; the form of Creation and Story.

I paint. I write. I craft. I create. I create. I create. I am constantly starting over and creating new things. I’ve been able to accomplish to finish them.

When I paint, I have no clue why and I have no clue what or where it’s from or what I have to release. I am continuously creating and continuously completing. This must be a project made to see that even though the thoughts in my head may not be pretty, I can still make things that flow, that connect, that show you that you can have pieces of random nothingness and create it into something that connects, has a flow, and can be aesthetically pleasing.  Sometimes those items are influenced by what I’m listening to and how I may be feeling. The last project I made is smaller and simpler than the rest. It’s got a certain type of a glow to it. Like it just naturally knows what it is and that it does not have to compete with the other ones that may be more shiner, more detailed, and more brighter.  It just has a self altering form of confidence that it just is. It’s name is Shalom. Mostly due to the oil painting that leaned against the wall behind it when I was videoing to show it’s birth off into the world. It reminds me of the Jewish culture, with it’s confidence in it’s self just for existing. It also reminds me of Saturn and Capricorn energy, just simple and gives off a command like a general leading an army that will listen to by just saying one word.

Shalom is all that. Shalom, is a word in Hebrew known in English as “Peace”.  A warm welcome, and a warm exit. One word, yet with an action of a million soldiers all at one. There is room for authority and room for action, in the same moment of stillness. Shalom. Peace. You know what to do, but it takes a large range of focus to actually do it.

Today I had the experience of seeing how powerful my words can be. And my dedication of wanting change. One of my direct authorities, a Virgo, brought up an opportunity that I only jokingly said I would take. To start a work day at 5am. I sat there staring at this writing as if it was a joke, and my first reaction was to yell back “hell nah, that’s too early for me”. But then I remembered that I have been dealing with trouble sleeping and waking and living, and wanted to commit to trying this thing called waking up at 5am. Waking up at 4am might be a true joke, but I have no sense of excitement of waking up and starting my day at 9am. I feel left behind, by the sun and waking world of success. That I’m not part of a living world that I would like to live with. So I took the offer. I read it back to myself as this is your sign. You have literally been asking for this, and it’s going to be hard at the beginning for the first week or 4, but it will make me a better person for it. I don’t know how just yet, but this will take me places I really want to go. This also came in a time where I started to reach out and work with others which showed me not to care so much, not to attach to work as if it is a place I need to go deep and down into. Things can be surface-level, especially at work, and I am always in control. And honestly, I don’t care too much for this to have it only improve in this line of work, but I want to learn to do it in my next line of work. Either working at surface-level conversations, so I don’t feel like I am drowning and giving myself all away to the people I am working on/with.

I also realize that I fight for people to be cared about, and it’s really because I want to be cared about. I talk and want others to see me relaxed and entertaining like a friend because I want more friend connections. Even though I love going deep with people, I feel any interaction I have with others they are leaning on me for life-jacket in the ocean support. Bro, have you noticed I can’t swim myself? I’m just here to stand here. To experience life, not to be there for your every bit of support. MMmm..the balance I crave.

This week I am on vacation to live as wildly and free as I’d like. To not think of any changes I am open to making and creating all on my own, with out any need to report or be micromanaged. I can just. experience. life. When I am free, I take chances, I make changes, and I let the wind flow with opportunity. I can talk about what I want to talk about, I can connect when I want to connect, and I can be whatever part of me I want to be. Specifically unapologetically part of me. I’m not out to have revenge, I’m just out to experience life a little bit more without restrictions of the judgmental thoughts of others and myself, and the restrictions of responsibility. Wow, that sure is freeing.

When I was painting today, I was listening to a podcast of a therapy session between a couple and 4 years later they say they are doing better, but it didn’t really sound like it. In fact, it never sounds like it. Once you’ve hit a hard point, is it even realistic enough that you really do move forward from there? I know that people come into your life to teach you lessons. Then those lessons evolve into fears and trauma, and then it’s up to you to steer yourself away from it. To remind yourself that you are larger than that fear, that the fear does not represent any part of you. It happened to you, not that you are it. And when you learn to remember that, you get to learn and see yourself as someone more powerful, because you can move past it. Sometimes you have to fight it, sometimes you have to fight it a few times, and other times you can just sha-shay away from it. Not letting it eat you up and having it become you, having it take over your life and the dreams you had in your life. No, you’re going to look at it and say you ain’t shit, I’m still heading to my path, on my journey.

I believe in love, I do. I had to go through a moment in life where I had to see what it really meant when I knew what love was. What love was like for me, that came out of me, that comes out of me, that looks like love of me. I believe I did have it, and it was so strong and so genuine that I showed it off and people wanted so much of it. Instantly they could see the love and the faith of self and life, and of course the faith in love. I had it, and I was able to give it after. And now I have learned that I can give it to others, and their light, which is a reflection of me, is a light that shines back on me. I can give it to others and not even their reaction, but just the fact knowing that I can do that, that I can give love – which means I’ve created it from somewhere, that I can see that I am capable to give and show love meaning I’ve had it all along. It just looked alittle different, and that it has changed. It’s actually deeper now, and that’s probably what I want to connect with others, this deeper side of me. This form of creation and story.