Thoughts

Today has been rather redundant. Boring. I dont really know what to do with myself. I have been trying to find shit to do since I woke up but my mind is on overdrive. I dont really know what to do with myself. I keep reading my books to take me away from my thoughts but today they seem to be relentless. I dont know what to do with myself or my time.

Summer is here and it is more than boring. I want to go out to do all sorts of things but dont have the energy or will to do so. I know if I do something today it will be something that is forced.

I have some ideas that I am trying to wrap my mind around to finish. However, my mind keeps darting back to everything that has been holding me down. Mentally, emotionally and physically.

I dont understand my own mind sometimes. I wish I could stop thinking to much. I want to be normal. I want to live life instead of being this bored housewife. I have no will today. No purpose since the kids got out of school. My husband is traveling for work and I am here. Taking care of it all. I dont know how to be without him.

I know our relationship is based off of codependency and I am trying my best to break away from that. I know that he is out living his life for his work to provide for us but I still want him here. I want to be with him. Not without him. But our circumstances are as follows. He has to work so that we can accomplish our goals. But what if our goals are not worth all the time that he spends away? I am afraid that I am growing distant as each day passes with him gone.

I hope that my mood will change soon. I hope that my mind will stop racing. I hope that I can find myself again and not be in the place I am mentally today.