4 am thoughts

for over a year now I have been silent on my thoughts and feelings until now. Since loosing my first born in a horrible head on collision (not his fault he was a passenger) life hasnt made sense to me in any shape or form. I look in the mirror and for the life of me I do not know the stranger looking at me. I both hate and love the woman I am today. I endured the hardest, darkest, most painful moments a woman can go through completely alone. nights I sat screaming on my bathroom floor for the pain to stop for life to go back to normal. I became so consumed in my loss and pain I wasnt able to fully there for my daughter who was hurting just as badly. She is 14 about to be 15 so for those of you with teen daughters you know what Im going through. I have my middle son who isnt even talking to me since his brother died which kills me even more he is 19 the same age my oldest was when he passed away. My life is a complete mess but I am so tired of catching myself I am ready for someone to not come in and fix me just hold me so i can rest. I dont know how to trust someone enough to be vulnerable because more often then not I can barely handle my own heartache and pain.