trust issues….the complex feelings of fear/love

smiley……

smiley….

ive known him for some time now, a little bit, and hes quickly become one of my best friends…possibly THE best….i tell him EVERYTHING, and he seems to deal with it fine…

im crazy, ill admit, i am CRAZY, like, not right in the head xD i have an OCD on situations ive found out, i stress very easily, and i obsess on situations and whats happening to the point that i start getting sick, and crazy thoughts too….and i know theyre crazy because these things are most likely not gonna happen, and yet, i still dont believe it and start obsessing on that, hate it!

but smiley has told me, he is ok with it, he can handle it, he doesnt care because im strong enough to admit all those things, and still know that im being insane.

haha, we’ve been hanging out for the past month now, everyday, literally, i dont think theres been a single day where we havent hung out, or seen each other….the thing is….im scared

see, smiley recently came out as bi………one of the reasons that is…..is because of me….

does he like me? i do think he does….but, hes told me the reason we cant be together, and he doesnt wanna try is because i wouldnt be able to handle him….im insane with my trust issues and my OCD, but hes….had a fked up life, and because of that, hes been fked for a long time. but, hes become a new man since then, since his gangster days lol

im screwed up to, im scared, scared of being hurt again, scared i shouldnt trust him thise much, hes getting too close, and im getting too close, and i want to get closer, but i cant do that….i trust him with my life, i trust him with my pain, and i trust him with my feelings, but….i cant seem to trust him with what he tells me….not just him, its everyone,

im afraid that if i do trust him, and it ends up being a lie, the samee thing that happened with my ex 2 years ago will happen again….i dont want that, i dont wanna be gullible, i dont wanna be lied to just because they dont wanna hurt me. im tired of being know as innocent and fragile, yes im fragile, but i want people to be blunt with me, please….i hate it when they beat around the bush, if u need to say something SAY IT, otherwise ill get even more hurt

those are my trust issues and m OCD, my obsessivenes comes from "is he lying to me? are they lying to me? how can i find out the truth? i want to know the truth, i dont believe them." most of my stress comes from that

anyways….

smiley….i have feelings for him, i do, and he knows that….

the other day we were both drunk, and i went into this little fit of rage and sadness….out of my 5 friends that were there, smiley said he would handle it, and he came for me…..i was crying and crying and told him he was getting too close, and i told him a lot of my insecurities, and a lot of my pain…

he just hugged me, he cuddled me, and he told me everything was gonna be alright, that he loves me, and that he will always love me, and that he will always be there for me, no matter what happens……after i calmed down, he made me laugh a little, and then some cops came xD he was just checking in, then he left, and we went back to my house

now i know he most likely didnt mean love me as in "in love", but as in just love, like friends and family….but still….he was there for me, and i felt special, and i felt so much better just being with him, i felt that same feeling i have been wanting and missing for 2 years now

it was pure comfort…..the feeling to be so comfortable around him, that feeling of sheer joy and comfort….i havent felt comfort in a long time….

haha, we have so many adventures together, and we have fun and interesting days….so many good memories haha

but…..i do want more, but i will not try anything, ive set boundaries with him, and i dont wanna ruin the good thing we have right now

i dont even know if he feels the same way, even though he tells me these things, i still feel like hes just saying what i wanna hear….but he does have a point when he says "i have no reason to lie to you, and if i was, you would be able to tell"…he said that when i tell him i dunno if i can believe it( again with my trust issues xD)

i guess i do need to talk to him about this whole situation, especially that drunk night, thats been bugging me for a while…..i guess i need to know if he rlly meant what he said