life so far, and a few concerns….

well, my life has gotten….better…..

 

my faamily’s all broken now though, first christmas with split parents…..had a horrible christmas by the way

i dont like christmas….not very much anymore, since like 2007 or something =/ but still….

 

 

ive got responsabilities taking care of my brothers with my dad when hes at work, every other week, so that kinda sucks since i dont like being at home and im always out =/

 

i dont cut, which is good, but still have those stupid ass cravings to hurt my wrist lol, i try to just scratch my wrists to contain the feeling lol

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for…a little bit around 3 months…yay ^^

 

things are great with him, just some things though….

he kinda used to be a whore….and it kinda makes me feel a little uncomfortable….i dunno why, it just does….he said hes slept with with around 240 guys or sumthing….now before u go assuming that i asked, i didnt…we were hanging out with some friends, and it just came up….now, because i didnt wanna get all jealous or anything i acted normal….now dont get me wrong, i am a jealous person, not good, but its not rlly that im jealous that he said or did it. its that, it makes me uncomfortable, like hes done all that in like his what? 6 years of sex life? hes pretty much done everything in sex, and….it makes me feel so…..unexperienced…

like yes, i have fantasies, sexual fantasies, everyone does, and some of those fantasies includes sex with more than one person….i admit that, rlly, its a very comon fantasy, and my boyfriend has done everything ive always wanted to do in sex, its like, i dunno….maybe i am jealous, and maybe a bit envious

 

i cant help feeling like this, i know its kinda wrong, i know it is, but i cant help feeling like that, and worst part of it is

i dont want to tell him how  i rlly feel, cuz im afraid hes gonna start how im so jealous, or it could make him feel bad, which will make me feel even worse

i mean, i never get jealous when he says someones cute or hot or whatever….i get jealous when he says, "ohhh, i want him to fuck me" or "i wanna fuck him"

it makes me a little jealous, but mostly uncomfortable….but of course hes just joking, he jokes around a lot like, hes very hyperactive….but even though its a joke, it still makes me feel uncomfortable….

i alrdy told him about that….i dont think he understood how i felt…..

ahhh….relationships rlly are kinda complicated….

dont get me wrong….i love him, i rlly do….and i know he rlly loves me too…..

besides those negative things, he sweet….hes a rlly good guy, a loyal friend, a kind boyfriend, and he always tries as much as he can….theres too many things that are so good about him, and i can find so many good things he does and is that other people cant point out….

 

but the issue rlly isnt about him or us….its about me….

u know, i wanna have fun too, i want to have wild fun, i want to break out of my shell and be a teenager, experience new things, experience what i can which i cant do when im older…..ive always wanted to try out new crazy thingss….but i never did….

maybe its because when he was a teenager(hes 20 right now) he did all that stuff….he was able to do so many things, go to parties, get soo wasted he forgot what happened, dance at clubs, dance in front of so many gay people at clubs, make his fantasies real,  he had so much fun being a teenager….what did i do as a teenager…..nothing interesting…..

looking back now….ive wasted so much time and i lost so many chances to have fun….so many chances to rlly be a teenager, to rlly do all that crazy stuff i wont be able to do later on…..i missed it…..and….i regret it…..

 

….ahhh…..i have issues i gess…..i need to get over my regrets….i rlly do….