im getting addicted…

soooo, i went yesterday to the behavioral center…..yea….i dont think ill be going over there again…the psychologist or w/e made me feel worse….i wont get into details, but he said some prettty deppressing things which made me feel a lot more worse than i had alrdy felt….

on tuesday, erika and luis found out i cut…. she kept grabbing my arm and i was like owww!(cuz it kinda hurt when she grabbed my cuts, like a punch on my arm…which is wierd =/)

she asked why it hurt, and to show her whats under my sleeve, and to show her my wrists…so, wat was i supposed to do? i couldnt stall her anymore…so i showed her and luis(cuz he was there) my wrists….they began to ask why and all that….sooo, now theyre trying to stop me…kinda forcefully =/

then yesterday, i showed steven my wrists cuz he kept complaining why went to the behavioral center( he showed me the way, and we went walking at a 110 degree weather =P wasnt that far though) and he kept asking me why, and whats wrong and i showed him…in a way, i wanted to show him, maybe he could comfort me a little….he didnt…he just said "ohh shit…" and he started cracking some jokes, trying to make me laugh…which i did, but only temporarily….

today i got even more anxious at school….i couldnt help it, the ffeling just came and came, and i couldnt help it anymore, i had to cut….so i did…with my scissors….it released the anxiety though…and it lasted a few hours…but then it came back again…..and i told my teacher if i could leave class to see a counselor….she was like ok, and i left to see one…i talked to him about some of my problems, and i kinda felt better, i wasnt anxious anymore….lol, turns out hes my high school psychology teacher’s cousin, wat a coincidence lol….

anyways, he told me if i wanted, i could go see the other counselor who actually specializes in my kinds of situations….so on monday im gonna go see her…

i dont want anymore people that i know and care about to know ive been doing this….i dont want them to worry, and im not planning on telling others anymore….luis and erika was because they found out….steven i told him voluntarily, but no more….only the counselors or psychologists im gonna get help from…

anyways…i got home, stuff happenned to elisa, steven went to the rescue and talked to her on the phone. robert went upstairs to talk with his gf…

bleh…if only i had someone i could tell all my troubles to, and even be soothed and calmed by him….lol, such a feeling of loneliness =/

how do i feel right now?

i feel ok….i dont feel like cutting….but its somehow become like an addiction, and when i get the feeling, i get anxious, and that anxiety  doesnt go away until i do it……

the truth is…

i feel lonely, undesirable, ugly, fat, unattractive, like a crappy friend, like a crappy person, stupid, untalented, and im not rlly looking forward to my future….

death has been running through my mind more often than it used to….

of course, i dont think i would ever do that…my fear of it is too great….

but right now i feel ok….not happy, not excited, but not sad….just ok, neutral…

ok well uhh..bye..