Another day

I woke up today to the feeling of defeat and I have just decided to accept it. I don’t care. I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday and reused the coffee pod in the coffee maker.

I dreamt about her again and once again it even felt like it was all wrong.

Blah, just blah…

What happened to my life? I just can’t find it in myself to move on and change. Why? Everyone else here has what they want and what they enjoy, but things for me just end so finally, even if I could get it back it will never be the same.  20 years, you would think that a proper end would be the right thing to do. I was nothing but loving to her and she gutted me like a fish.

I know here I am again saying the same shit I have said since the first time I wrote here over 2 years ago. Funny thing is, my life has absolutely not changed in that time. Oh, I have tried. I tried to mend friendships I didn’t break and tried to meet new friends. I’ve attempted to get healthier and exercise more. I have read and practiced meditating. I have gone to therapy and a psychiatrist.

I’m paying for sins I must have made and just do not remember.