Too much to do.

Slow but steady…. I determined during my last rambling I needed to work one step at a time to eventually prepare for a vacation.

I took the time to figure out how to do my Social Security name change this week. It’s a pain as we have no local offices. However, I called and could get a “face sheet” at the clinic and send that instead of my driver’s license. So, the application is done & mailed. Hopefully, just a few weeks and I’ll have a new card and can begin the process of changing my name both jobs, bank accounts, loans, credit cards, etc. Once I accomplish that I’ll begin the passport next.

It’s finally Friday and I’m just in an awful mood. I’m overwhelmed in life. Still. There aren’t enough hours in a day. I’m so fucking tired it isn’t even funny. I hate people. I hate my to-do list. I want to just hide in a damn hole but even that stresses me out.

Work. Sucks. I spend all day in this office with little to do. Alone. I so badly want to work remotely. Then I go directly to my evening job and run my ass off as we have no help. Cook got fired Wednesday. Short staffed. Scheduled to work. Again. When all I want is to switch to every other weekend. That’s it. I’m so over it. What kind of fries do you want? Done ones. Ha ha. Funny. Have I mentioned I don’t care? When your waitress asks you a question just answer it. We’re sick of the same, repetitive jokes. Especially when we’re busy. I went to take an order last night and the lady says she wants to order without her husband she knows what she wants. She then can’t answer my first question – Just wait right here, I’ll go outside and ask him. Are you fucking kidding me? Every table is full, I’m not standing right here when I’ve got 5 other tables ready to order. Table full of kids throwing fits. I’ll just come back – No, we want to order now. Dude, I don’t have time to stand here while you argue with your child that’s being a complete asshole right now. I swear we had all the shitty customers last night. And a guy that puked in the booth. Wish I was kidding. First, I cared and was worried he was choking or sick. Nah, I shouldn’t of had that last cup of coffee. Uhhhhhhhhhh? Really? Sorry about that. REALLLLLY? Maybe leave a killer tip if we literally have to clean up your mess. Assholes.

Then my boss calls to ask if I could do her a favor. Ummmm, what? I know you’ve worked a lot this week already but I need someone to do Sunday too. XYZ thinks she’s having a miscarriage and probably can’t work. Ummmm, I already have reservations at 11 with my kids. But also how pregnant is XYZ because we were literally just having a beer last Saturday and she was crazy stoned Wednesday when she came to finish the fired cooks shift? I’m a pretty sympathetic person. But if she’s getting fucked up and pregnant I don’t have much sympathy going on here. In my opinion, if it’s an early miscarriage she can probably work on Sunday and if she’s known for awhile and was still drinking and getting high – I can’t say I feel for her having to work miserable. I feel like a judgmental asshole. I’d like to believe she just found out today and is sad she’s already losing this baby. But knowing she’s back on the shit I don’t have much faith in that hope. My boss said she’d call back later. Maybe I can do before and after my reservations. Nooooo, probably not. I’m going to kill someone. Soon. I really need the every other weekend off to begin. Like tomorrow. (Ha ha. It isn’t. I work at 8 a.m. tomorrow too.)

Then I think of all the things I need to do at home. Whyyyyy do I have such a big house? Wellll, because the housing market sucks and even if I wanted to downsize I’d pay more for a smaller house since I was lucky enough to get this 3 years ago before prices went up. How will I ever get caught up and stay caught up? It’s time to start mowing. I want to cry. Badly. Like just sit here and sob. I don’t have time to add in yard work. I can’t even keep the inside clean.

I’m tired of no help. I’m tired of cleaning up messes that aren’t mine. I’m tired of false promises – I’ll get the extra riding lawn mower I have fixed up and bring it over. Yeah you will. It’s been 10 months. Still hasn’t appeared. I’m tired of being super woman. I. Want. To. Quit. So bad.

Instead, I’ll drag out the lawn mower tonight and take out all my internal rage on the yard. Then I’ll go inside. Shower and take any rage I have left out on cleaning and laundry.

I wanted this weekend to be good so badly. Fun stuff. Nope. Never. Too much work to be done. Both scheduled paid work and house work. Sigh. It just makes me so sad.

Lately I’ve just felt angry. So much anger and rage. I just want to snap and yell and freak out. Most of it isn’t really even anyone else’s fault. I’m just fucking angry at how it’s all panned out and how tired I am. Angry I still have to deal with the psycho ex. Angry I have bills. Angry I have to work two jobs. Angry that I’m working my ass off and right now it just fucking sucks with no light.