Why do I bother

Maybe it’s just me. I have been told that BPD does cause these feelings. I just do not think that at any point in my life I have ever been taken seriously. Not when I was “the Boss”, not as a father, brother, son, or friend, and definitely not as an employee. Everyone gets to have opinions, but mine is always 100% wrong. I honestly do not remember ever hearing “that’s a good idea” or “Colby, what do you think”. Oh, I am the first one to blame when the shit hits the fan.

My marriages ended with both of them cheating and immediately “shacking” up with someone, but they both came down to being my fault. Why? You tell me, I have exactly no f!@king idea. I would gladly take the blame if I did so, but I never cheated or abused either one. I guess I am just someone’s pity project until they can trade up.

Here at work, I’ve once again learned how unimportant I am. The inspection system for NY DMV is changing and I have done all the leg work to learn what we need and how to implement it because no one else can be bothered. Well, today the DMV rep showed up, and as I started to open my mouth, I was told to stay quiet by my “manager” who then sat and discussed the new system, and of course as the rep drove away I was chided about opening my mouth. Yet, 3 weeks ago when the “office administrator” cashier ran out of plates to issue, guess who was blamed and told to fix it. Who has to take care of both their mistakes on sales and DMV issues, not them. I did her job for several months before she was hired. I trained her to do it. Somewhere along the line though, she became “office administrator” and I became just a sales rep, who doesn’t even get credit for my sales.

I like this job, been the first one in a long time I actually enjoyed. I can absolutely not leave this job and start over again. So, mouth shut and head down, I lay flat on the floor and be the mat again, like I have for the last 34 years of my life. My opinions are never right, my answers are dumb, my problems are insignificant, my depression is made up, and I’m the cause of mine and everyone else’s problems.

Guess what? If I try to be like them, and I have, it blows up in my face. Every single time. I eat the shit sandwiches they hand me, but I get destroyed if I offer up one to them. Or is it like that?

I don’t see myself as a 51 yr old man or adult. I look like some odd cross between Fester from the Adam’s family and a potato. I’m not good enough to be a husband, friend, or brother, let alone an “equal” at work. I am apparently a shit neighbor by the reactions and looks I get from the other tenants. I good enough to dig the holes, but too stupid to take any credit.

I have wasted my life.

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May 4, 2022

They try to make it your fault to take the blame and guilt off of themselves.  They know they did you wrong but think if they can blame you it makes it okay what they did.  It’s shitty is what it is.

I’ve seen pictures of you and you most certainly do not look like the guy from the Adam’s family or a potato!!!