Again

I don’t why I just can’t stop caring for and missing a person I should hate with every fiber of my being.  Why do I care so much about what people think of me? It seems everyone has that person in their lives who help them power through but I don’t. I always had someone until these last few years. I do love all the support from people online, even the chiding, but at the end of the day, it’s just me.

I have talked to a lot of divorced women over the last 3 years, but somehow I am always the wrong fit for a friend or anything else. They all tell me how bad things were for them, yet they leave out the part where they live in the same home they’ve lived in for years, surrounded by their children, grandchildren, and friends. Yeah, I imagine it was difficult, but my whole sense of normal ceased to exist in a day. Nothing was left for me and no one even acted like I was ever involved. Sure my kids are there for me but never asked their mom why. Never questioned the “new guy” showing up hours after dad left who has never left and is now their step-father. Not one sibling, friend, or acquaintance spoke up for me or for that matter to me. It was like I just blinked out of existence and I was nothing more than a faceless sperm donor who decided he wanted to meet the kids his “donation” created.

Once again, I was a nothing, a no one, like I had been for most of my life. She made me feel like I belonged to something and someone and took that all away in a day like I was just dirt being swept away. I’m now back to never hearing “good job” even though I  work my ass off. Never being contacted to see how I am or a holiday greeting. Now I can add laying in a hospital for a couple of days with not one call, visit, or even a check-up from anyone I still hold sop dear to me.

I know, I know, I should just cut them out and move on like they never existed, but then what do I have? Who am I? I know who I am and I have accepted the fact that this is life, but I’m just fading away into obscurity. Hiding away in my office at work, getting upset that nothing I do gets noticed, and being left out of every conversation. Then home, where I close the shades and sit in the dark and cold place wishing I could just die in my sleep. I’m not suicidal, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. My kids will be frustrated that I don’t answer the calls and texts, which will immediately cause my ex and sister to call and text horrible quilt messages and eventually tell me I am a shit father and human. In about 2 weeks someone will notice a smell coming from my apartment, but it will take another few weeks before the apartment manager comes, with an eviction notice and just so happens to open the door because I didn’t reply to her knocks. She will be overwhelmed by the smell and then maybe after a month and a half, people will learn of what happened to me. In death, I will also be a burden on someone. There won’t be a funeral or memorial and no notice in the paper, but someone will bitch about how much it costs to cremate me or even still, donate my body to science and not pay anything. Years down the road someone might just say “Hey I wonder how Colby Newton is doing?” only to discover I had passed years ago.

I don’t see myself in anyone’s lives, not as an important part. Sure I’ll be “dad”, but the man that now raised them will be “grandpa” and they will all go there for holidays and maybe I will get a call, card, or an hour visit. My grandchildren will hardly know me and will shrink away from my touch and will absolutely hate coming here because I’m weird and smell funny or something. The day will come when I can no longer live on my own and I will be dropped into the cheapest adult care place, where I may see my family once or twice before I die there.

Ether way, this is how my life plays out…