Am I ok???

No, I am not ok…

I don’t even know or remember what ok feels like. Being a man I’m supposed to just always say that I’m fine and ok because if I don’t I’m seen as less than. Oh, everyone says that’s not the case, but it really is. Take it for a man who’s living it.

Fake it to you make it… Oh, how wonderful that would be if I wasn’t so completely damaged from the last few years. I literally woke up one day with everything a man could ask for and by the afternoon of the same day, completely nothing. I’m not exaggerating, everything was gone or against me. People who I trusted, possessions I worked for, savings, comfort, and love, were all gone in a day.

I am obviously here, so I didn’t take the darkest path I could have, but with all the therapy, all the medications, all the sacrificing of food, utilities, and distractions, all the praying, all the asking, calling, apologizing, nothing has improved or changed. I am still running late on rent because I got F@#Ked by all the covid handouts and I was taken advantage of by her and others at my worst.

I’m told to be selfish, to think about myself and what I need, but the same people who give this advice are the first to chide and guilt me for it.

I don’t know, I had all kinds of thoughts on things, but there’s no point anymore. I would like a relationship with someone, yet that’s not in the cards. Even as I have tried, it gets turned on me as if I am the reason. I had been talking to a woman, taking my time and holding back on the drama. She essentially said she just wanted someone to “have fun with” and was not looking for anything more and that she was always busy with her mother and work and kids. So, I kept the messages short and nice, but out of the blue, she lost it on me about not asking her out or anything. I explained that I figured the little “hints” I would say about it would eventually get her to think that she would take some time, I didn’t want to impose on her obligations. A few days later, I did ask if she wanted to actually talk or meet up for coffee and I was read the riot act for being the exact opposite of what she was looking for. I won’t post her profile here, but I can tell you that there is no mention of “let’s just do fun things when I want to do fun things” in it.

Another one is, “Looking for a new relationship, kids are older and more independent and I am looking for companionship.” Well, obviously she was taking pity on my ugly loser ass by texting back to me to say that this is all too new and she just doesn’t have time to even go for coffee or wouldn’t with someone she only has texted with for a week straight. OK, so would you like to talk on the phone? Absolutely not!!! I have my daughter here and I hardly know you!!! Something tells me if I wasn’t the ugly, bald-headed failure I am, this would not be the case.

So, am I ok? No, I’m not. Not in the least. I’ve seen what my friends and family really think of me and how “strangers” view me. I am every bit of the worse I think of myself. I’m just going into survival mode. I don’t need a family, I don’t need friends, and I don’t need to be anyone’s problem ever again.