He Said…She Said…

He kept coming into the bedroom to talk to me…

He didn’t understand why I always used WhatsApp to end things with him…I told him that it is pretty hard to talk to him when he is sleeping, so he tells me to wake him up.  There is a greater chance of Britney Spears making a number 1 hit album this year, than there is of me ever having a rational conversation with him, when he has been drinking or is hungover. 

He goes on to playing with my emotions and my heart…continues to ask me if I love him…as much as I wish I could lie and say  I can’t bring myself to be mean or to lie or hurt him…so I mumble a 

He goes on about how we have been together for 10 years and he could never be with someone else who would just be after his money…he has a plan to build the business that he works at right now and open more franchises of it in a few years time – I do wish him the best with that and hope it does happen…anyway so he doesn’t want to throw away all the hard work I have put in him, by standing by him and then let me leave him, for him only to become successful and end up with someone else who wouldn’t really love him.

He goes on about how he will never allow me to be with someone else…if I had to ever be with someone else, he would kill that person, because .

Now I am feeling trapped…time for him to make me feel like I cannot do better than him, right? 

He wanted to know how many diets had I been on, and when I would actually stick to one…he went further to say that I am the reason why we don’t have children and he doesn’t see me ever being able to give him a child. But he is okay with that, even though he does want to become a father he is okay that I cannot give him children because he loves me enough, but no other man would take me when they know that I cannot give them a child. He hasn’t gone to have his sperm tested, like I asked him to last year, because he knows he is fine, and he doesn’t want me to be hurt when the doctor says that I am the problem.

Now I am just thinking how…he has given me that line a few times before and I know how my PCOS makes it that much harder for me to fall pregnant…I know all this and I am okay with it. I know I have to loose weight and I know my body is not making it easy for me to fall pregnant, but I don’t want to have a child with a man that chooses alcohol over buying electricity for the house, or that choose alcohol over buying food for the empty kitchen.

He wanted to know what I will achieve when I haven’t finished my studies, I am staying in my job now because they are going to give me a slight raise and so I will not strive for more.

So now he has pointed out how…

Since he has admitted that he struggles with alcohol, he cannot be around people. He hates small talk, which I have always known, and so he is used to using alcohol as a way for him to put on a show and make conversation and handle the social scene. So now he cannot go to parties, gatherings or anywhere there will be many people.  he can drink a 750ml bottle of  before midday, even when there are no arrangements to do anything that day/night.

I know a year+ ago I took it back…but I think I meant it then and if I am honest I do probably still mean it now…