The Audacity!!!

So at about 4pm ish…about 4 hours ago his mother left to take the bus home. I stayed on the bed and watched Netflix off my Work Laptop, while he snored from the lounge.

I got hungry so made myself popcorn for supper…wasn’t very filling since I am still hungry.

He woke up at about 7 and plonks himself onto the bed and I can just smell all the alcohol seeping out of him. And I wonder where the heck is he drinking…he has been at home the whole day, so have I and I haven’t come cross any booze, and I have looked.

I am now watching Survivor…and he tells me to stop watching because he wants to talk to me.

So I pause the show…

He starts off by asking me if I know why he won’t give me back me wedding ring. I don’t know why he thinks that he has it because he won’t give it to me, when in fact he has it because I gave it back to him, because I didn’t want to wear it anymore, didn’t feel like I was in a marriage or that I had an actual husband…and deep down was kinda hoping that he would leave me.

He goes on to say how he doesn’t think that I am ready for a husband and that I am not a proper wife. I fail to be there for him when he is broken and needs support. He believes that I just want a partner and not a husband. According to him, I don’t know what it means to be a wife.

I am just left gobsmacked.

Right now I am just holding back tears.

I know he is drunk, so can’t I really take what he is saying seriously…But how can I excuse him for being drunk when his drinking is a huge problem for us, and he has promised me countless times that he would stop drinking? I could forgive him for drinking if he really repented for it and he had no real intention to drink. But since I have all his cards and I know I only have R 20 in my purse, which is still there I know he used his Bank App and he drank intentionally. He did this while still lying to me.

Last night on our way home from the Shul, he told me that he drank last night because he intends to start the Daniel Fast and this would be his last chance to drink, for 27 days. Now what kind of FUCKIN’ bullshit is that?

1. He shouldn’t be drinking at all now. He hasn’t touched alcohol (as far as I know) for almost 2 weeks now. So the fact that he was starting any kind of fast should not have been a factor in any way, allowing him to drink.
2. He has been telling me all week that he was going to start the Daniel Fast when Pesach started, which was last night. So why did he drink today, then?
3. He was having Anxiety Attacks.

• why I don’t know. He is on the process to getting a new ID issued, we have been in a somewhat good place, his work has been going well, I honestly don’t know why he would feel anxious about anything.

I don’t know why I let myself continue to live with this man and this liar and this hurtful person. Why do I love him so much? Why does he think it is okay to hurt me and lie to me and why does he think he is always right?

I think I need to get away! I spoke via WhatsApp to a friend of mine, who is in Israel now for the Jewish Holiday, and when she told me, I just wished that I could pack up and go away! All she wants right now is to find herself a nice Jewish Guy that she can fall in-love with and will love her too, so they could get married and start a life together. She is the oldest of 5 kids and is the only one that is not married. Her baby brother just got married a few weeks ago. I do feel for her, but I can’t help but wonder how nice it would be to not have the chains of another person. Well if those chains were because of a child, I wouldn’t mind so much. I am sure it would be hard but being a single mother wouldn’t be such a bad thing, at least I don’t think so.