Not sure how to title this…

That’s what friends are for played on my drive into work this morning and all I could think is, what a complete bull shit song. At least for me.

Had another rough night of sleeping and dreams last night. All the dreams I can remember involved moments that were already crappy, but only 10 times worse. I can not even rely on my own dreams to allow me a break from real life anymore.

I’m just going to unload it all, I can’t think of a direction to write about right now:

I totally hate myself, more than everyone who does hate me. I hate how I feel and the fact I can’t seem to change. I hate that another man is living my dream life with the people I love. I hate that those same people have just moved on as if I was never a part of their lives, maybe I wasn’t.

I hate the fact that it’s become almost impossible to remember the good times, the happy moments anymore. I hate the total worthlessness I feel and how it seems I am useless to anyone and everyone.

I hate that no matter what I have tried to do for myself over the last few years, it all blows up in my face and makes the pit in me deeper.

I hate that the only 3 women with who I attempted to have some sort of relationship, expected me to just acknowledge their wants and expectations. They were not going to be receptive to anyone else’s feelings and selfishly thought just of themselves. I would listen to their “issues” and attempt to comfort and reassure them only to be mocked about mine. In fact, that’s how everyone has treated me.

I hate that I make decent money and can’t enjoy it. My bills, my medications, and the debts I pay so she could have a new perfect life, have dragged me into the mud so deep that I can’t see a future for myself anymore. All I ever feel is the stress that one false move will make me homeless and stuck. I hate that I have no one close to help me feel I matter.

I hate that I still have faith in God. Sinners are supposed to be punished and shunned, but here I am. I did everything in my power to make her happy, safe, secure, and be there for my children, family, and friends. Live as much as I could to be the best Christian and put my faith in the Pastors and leaders in the church to be the example, only to be betrayed, lied to, and left hurt and alone by them all. She broke the vows and committed the “sin” and he lived a depraved life for most of his, and there they are, living their best life essentially problem-free and I have been tortured, hurt, depressed, unlucky, and ignored for the last 3+ years as if I broke all 10 commandments. None of my prayers were answered and constant “tests” of my faith.

I hate that no one can give me answers and just all tell me to accept that it is what it is.

I hate waking each morning and hate going to bed. I wake alive and go to bed wracked with thoughts, guilt, and dread of the next day.

I hate that all it would take to make me feel better is someone in these few years to acknowledge my pain or have made an attempt to comfort me somehow. Not to treat me as if I was all of their problems. That their time with me wasn’t always miserable and wasted. To stand up for me knowing I was a good friend, father, brother, and husband and appreciate it.

I hate that people take my sadness and cry for help as me being selfish and throw them in my face as though it was the only thing I ever did in my relationship with them.

I just hate myself. I hate the fact I can’t move on. I hate that I can’t accept. I hate being alone. I hate being stressed about debt. I hate being dependent on several medications to get through the day and life. I hate that the depression is more dominant than the will to improve. I hate my looks and being bald.

I just hate me.