How long has it been?

I stopped counting a few weeks back about how long it’s been since I’ve heard from any of the “people” in my life. I think it’s been 2 months or so.  The Grand Experiment I decided to start then was to stop being the one who contacts and see how long it would take for that “how are you” call or text. I’m not going to say I’m shocked, because I figured this would be how it would go. I’m not cruel enough to do this to my sons, but between us, I think they wouldn’t either.

I know, “yet another whining poor me” post. I’m getting sick of them too. It’s all I have though. I’ve tried to make new and different experiences, but those all just fall into the same hole. Meet someone, they say they aren’t looking for a relationship, but immediately get into one with the next guy. Go to a bar and it’s all I can do to make the bartender listen to me about ordering a drink. Attempt to strike up a conversation at a grocery store or the Mall and it seems like I’m some pervert or weirdo. So whether I want or not, I’m alone and totally on my own.

I received a message from my primary that they want me to go to Roswell Park, Buffalo’s cancer center, to have tests on my small intestines because of the masses shown on my cat scan. I’m not sure how I’m going to manage it because they’ll have to sedate me and I have no one to take me and drive me home and I just can’t afford taxis and Ubers. Well, not for the next several months if I can stick to my budget. On top of that, they haven’t received the results from what is called a CX bladder test, but the other test that’s been done twice keeps coming up with high-grade urothelial carcinoma. I suppose this all could be nothing and the support I used to have would make all this easy, but I don’t have that. It’s me and an already overwhelmed brain that’s still trying to make peace with all my losses over the last 3 years.  I want to talk to my older boys about it, I really wish I could talk to Patty, but I won’t worry them. Jonathan is on track to graduate and go to college and he doesn’t need the worry. Morgen, well he will internalize it and become more distant.

If you were to ask me at the beginning of January 2019 how I would cope with all of this or anything, I would just beam as I talked about my loving wife and kids, my sister, and my best friends Tony and Sean. By the end of January 2019, I had none of those people anymore and haven’t since. I starting to think that if it all goes bad, I’m just going to run its course. If God saw fit to allow all the hurt, pain, and loss from the last 3 years as his plan for me, then I guess so is cancer. Praying hasn’t made me feel better, bring my wife back, or even given me a break, so what would the point be about any of this?