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so i guess i should introduce myself. hi i’m michael and i’m an alcoholic…oops. wrong meeting. seriously though, i have recently turned sober and am trying to stay sober. i have 35 glorious alcohol-free days under my belt so far and it feels GREAT. (i’m in recovery and have started attending A.A. meetings) before i go any further with that i want to take a minute and explain a couple of things. first off, i want to keep this thing as informal as possible – that’s why there’s minimal capitalization and such. i’m just going to be out with it and be done; although for some reason my OCD won’t let me skip out on punctuation. anyway, this is where i want to vent, share, inform, or just speak when i have stuff to get out. second, i’d like to chronicle my sobriety journey, so if you’re reading this and want to follow me and my misadventures by continuing to do so, 1) thanks for the interest! the more the merrier i always say and like the golden girls theme, thanks for being a friend 2) you’re going to be reading a metric shit-ton about my alcoholic illness and a lot of my other mental baggage too. also, i swear like a sailor so if profanity offends, this might not be the best OD to read. otherwise, welcome to my world of crazy.

i want to also explain my display name. i am a former performing musician and audio engineer and i’ve lost count on how many late night trips i’ve had to a waffle house (yes, sigh, i live in the south) after a gig, or just in general. so i’ve merged the state of mind i can be in sometimes with an homage to my former life as a musician and alcoholic by using the way one can order hash browns. if you’ve read my profile, then you see that i refer to myself as a “former black-out artist.” what i mean by that is that i have had so many instances of missing time…black-outs…that i feel it became somewhat of an art for me. it’s also my comical way of looking at my former life, because let’s face it. sometimes we should have a laugh at ourselves. sometimes it’s good to not take things so seriously or personally. i’ve always heard it takes a good sense of humor to make it in this life. so there you have it. laugh a little. love a little. LIVE a little.

i am also an open book. a lot of what i am wanting to build into my new direction in life is HONESTY. if i’m being 100% completely honest with myself, i never wanted this season of my life to come to pass. i never wanted to quit drinking. i also never wanted to cause the problems and damage that i have caused because of my addictions and sickness of mind. i never wanted to put my marriage in jeopardy, or hurt my family as i have done. i have caused some real damage here – not as bad as others, but there’s damage. believe me when i say i’m also glad that i’ve seemed to have had a small moment of clarity and caught this before i traveled too far down that dead-end road where the consequences are seriously tough to deal with. i think what i’m facing is bad enough – i mean, it sure feels that way. at least in all the times that i was stupid enough to DRIVE MY CAR while under the influence, i didn’t kill or hurt anyone, or myself.  and i thank GOD everyday that i didn’t get pulled over and have to deal with legal trouble. divorce is awful enough – speaking of “legal” stuff. i’m absolutely overwhelmed with what i could be facing if i get divorced. (more about the big “D” word in later entries – it seems to be a running theme in my life for some reason)

another word that i’ve come to recently adopt is SURRENDER. if you personally know me, then you already know this about me. but since i’m somewhat anonymous, i’ll go a little bit into detail about it on here. i’ve never really considered myself overly religious. sure i have faith – as strained as it may be – and i’ve always been a BELIEVER. that doesn’t mean i don’t doubt or never have questions that seem to NEVER GET ANSWERED. sometimes i’m like, ‘what the fuck, God?’ i will find myself pissed at a situation or not understanding why something happened the way it happened. I look up and ask, ‘what is going on man?’ or ‘what are you doing?’ in reality, a lot of the time i come to the conclusion that whatever the situation may be, good or bad, that i’ve had some hand in it and i’ve been blaming God for all my problems. nobody put a gun to my head and made me drink an entire bottle of woodford reserve did they? nobody forced me to seek out sexual pleasure by continuing to look at porn did they? no. i did these things. it’s just that my addictions to chemical substances warped my mind so i couldn’t see the TRUTH. true story – when i had my moment of clarity, i poured three unopened, very expensive single malts down the drain. i said aloud, i’m tired of you fucking with my life and i’m done with you – to the brown liquid swirling down the kitchen sink drain. my wife was afraid i was going to break the glass bottles, but i was careful. i was angry, yes – but i didn’t want to be cleaning up glass no matter how pissed i was at alcohol in that moment. i’ve lost count of how many times i wanted to quit, or even tried to quit. I mean, I wasn’t totally oblivious. I look around at a party or social event where drinks were served and quite often i’m the only one doing double digits of drinks? yes. i knew i had a problem. and the problem was i didn’t like that about myself and it was one of many reasons i held such self-hatred for myself. i’ve basically spent the past five years of my life telling myself i didn’t deserve a good life. so it was with all of this in my mind and on my mind that i finally faced God again, as my true self – beat down, broken, unable to manage my life, and lost. i’d lost my way. but i knew what i needed to do. i needed to SURRENDER all that i had previously known and accept that MY PLAN wasn’t ever going to work. so that’s why i’m currently focused on the word, SURRENDER.

when i walked into my first A.A. meeting, and let me tell you, that was HUGE for me. because i suffer rather greatly from social anxiety. at times in my past, i have suffered greatly from agoraphobia, and anxiety in general. it’s kind of a paradox with me, because i can get up on a stage, get behind that kit of drums, and perform to my heart’s content without batting an eyelash. but just let me be in the situation where i don’t know anyone or have to ask for directions somewhere and i’m toast. so for me to walk into an A.A. meeting where i knew nobody there, did not know where the building was previously, and was already nervous and not knowing what to expect, means that i’m truly serious about ridding my life of this SICKNESS. like i was saying, when i walked into my first meeting and i heard others sharing their experiences, it was the first time in my life i didn’t feel ALONE.

like i said before. i have 35 days sober. i believe i’ll take another 24 hours. until next time, folks, be well – live will – love well – and have a laugh if you can.

-Michael