Saturday 4/9/22

12:04am I’m finally in bed. Aids came to put me to bed at 11;30. I was in my wheelchair for over nineteen hours. I’m not tired though. I’m kind of wound up. I don’t know what got me going. I was reading my book and got to the past chapter. All of a sudden I couldn’t concentrate. Try as I might I could not finish the chapter. I spent the rest of my time downloading books and playing games.

I hate being wired where I can’t sleep. Wake up time will be 4:30 and comes around pretty fast. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Goodnight.

4:42am The drill sergeants came in at 4:30. I was already awake. In the fact I was awake all night. The same old crap kept me awake, arthritis pain and incontinence. I was drenched when morning came around. But I wasn’t mad or anything. I was glad to see them I had a couple nice aids who got me cleaned up,into a clean gown and in my wheelchair. I’m faced with yet another long day in nursing home boot camp.

I was talking to this one aid. She said I was up all night with my tablet. I said no I just get wound up sometimes and can’t sleep. I am addicted to this damned thing. But I look at it for awhile  after they put me to bed then turn it off I do try to sleep. Arthritis pain and peeing keeps me up. I try to calm myself but I just lay in bed until they get me up.

Well, I’m up and ready to face the day. I feel pretty good despite not sleeping. I must be on a bipolar high or something. I get so wound up I feel like I want to run in a million different directions. But I’m stuck in this wheelchair unable to stand without help. The difference between what I want to do and why I’m capable of is pretty damned frustrating.

Still, I struggle to keep up my spirits. It is hard to do at times but I think I do my best. I try not to dwell on my condition. I read a lot and this keeps my mind occupied. I just get lost in books and the tablet I’m addicted to both.Well, I think I’m about ready for a book fix

9:55am I finished my book before breakfast. I had a good breakfast of scrambled eggs, coffee cake and hot cereal. The coffee was drinkable. I also had glass of oj. I was still feeling a high from something. Then, after breakfast. I crashed. I started to read the second volume in The Definitive FDR but couldn’t get into it. I fell a sleep in my wheelchair. My mood plummeted in addition to getting so tired. I went from a high to a very low point in a matter of minutes. I have been very depressed since then.

I do not understand these mood swings. I suffer from chronic depression. I usually get very, very low. But these mood swings are something new. I have never been diagnosed with bipolar depression. But it seems to me this is what I go through. I can be feeling fine, like this morning. Then, for no apparent reason, my mood goes south. I end up feeling like crap.

When I get like this I don’t feel like doing anything. This morning I just sat in my wheelchair. I slept on and odd some. I wished like anything I could of crawled back in bed. But I just sat in my chair waiting for r the mood to pass. Pass it did. I’m feeling a bit better now, more rested ,more at peace. Trouble is I do not know if I’m cycling up to a high phase.

I did manage to talk with Chocolatechip after breakfast. She was ok. She said her night was fine and nobody knocked on her door. She was going through her usual routine when I called. Chocolatechip said she was taking her morning meds and drinking coffee. We didn’t talk too long because she had to take care of her housework.

This was how my morning went. At least I’m above the dirt. I’m better now and eager to get started on my next book The Definitive FDR:Soldier of Freedom 1940-1945. Life is like a roller coaster with it’s rapid ups and downs.

8:22pm Things got better in the afternoon. I slept in my wheelchair  a lot..This made me feel better and I didn’t feel like I was on a high.bi just felt re!axed and calm. Also felt very tired but didn’t want to sleep all afternoon. I talked with Chocolatechip. I told her I am out my mood swings. She suggested they might have something to do with constant pain. When arthritis flairs up the mood drops. When there is no pain I am so happy for being pin free. She did work as a nurse and she knows what she is talking about.

I also talked to her about an interesting conversation I had with an aid. Let’s say the aid’s name was Ally. I requested to be changed shortly after lunch. Ally came I and said she will change me so I won’t have to deal with the Mean Girl who I call Mean Bitch. What mean girl? I asked. I went on to say I never complained to anyone about her. Ally said she can hear Mean Bitch yell at me in the hall. I didn’t say anything else about the matter.

I said to Chocolatechip I was very grateful I got Ally. I said Ally was going to be my aid for tonight. I went on to say she gave me great care and was very nice. Then I started to wonder how she really heard about Mean Bitch. I said I am worried they might be reading my entries. Chocolatechip said the same thing. I don’t mention names or the name of the nursing home but I think somehow they can monitor what I say on here. I hope I don’t get in any trouble over this.

I had a fairly decent supper. I had a Philly steak sandwich, tater tots and peaches. The coffee was hot and I also had a glass of fruit punch.  This isn’t my favorite meal but it was good and can’t complain. I ate it all and it perked me up.

I felt wide awake after supper. I started to read my book FDR:Soldier of Freedom. I hope to get through the prologue tonight.