Wait for it…

I’ve titled this entry "Wait for it…" because every time I retell what happened it seems like what I’ve just said it the worst thing that happened, but no, there’s always more.

I met this guy on okcupid.  He seemed fun and friendly.  I happened to show his picture to some friends and, small world, they graduated from high school together.  They both said they didn’t really know him, but thought he was a nice guy.   We exchanged several normal emails for a week or so. He asked if I wanted to get together and after I said yes he asked for my number.  The Monday of Memorial Day weekend he texted me for the first time.  The following is our text conversation.  As you read please keep in mind that most of these texts are within 30 seconds to one minute of each other and we have never met!!!  

Him:  Hey, it’s X from Cupid.

Me:  Hi there!

H:  Howdy!  Just messaged you back on Cupid as you texted me.

M:  I see, sorry about your team.  Was it a fun day anyhow?

H:  Oh yes.  It was a fun weekend.  How was yours?

M:  It was fun, just a taste of what’s to come…lol.

H:  How so?

M:  Getting up late, hanging out at the pool, grilling out…the summer life of a teacher.

H:  May I join?

M:  Any time!  Cold beers will be waiting!

H:  What are we waiting for:

M:  Good question!

*Note:  So far so good, flirty, fun, easy….

H:  Let’s meet today then, enjoy some brewskis and each others company!!

*Note:  Brewskis?

M:  Sounds good.  Can you meet soonish?  Like, say, in an hour or so?

H:  I’m yours any time you want me baby?

*Note:  Baby?  

M:  Perfect.  I’m jumping in the shower now.  Where would you like to meet?

H:  In the shower with you!  😉

*Note:  Okay, I know, I set myself up for that one.  Most of my friends are super offended by this line, I thought it was funny. What can I say?

M:  Ha ha ha ha…ok!

*Note:  the fun starts now…

H:  I’m not going to lie I enjoy taking showers with members of the opposite sex.  It’s sexy and hot!

M:  I will bath you really good!  (his spelling of bathe, not mine)

*Note:  I did not respond to this.  What could I say?  Are you serious?  At this point he called me and I jokingly said "A shower is probably not an appropriate first date, do you have a second choice in mind."  Cue awkward laughter.  We settled on a restaurant to meet for drinks.  The plan was to meet in about 45 minutes.  I told him I was going to finish getting ready, fix a quick bite to eat and then leave.  Even though I at no point encouraged him to continue with the bathing conversation he made sure to tell me again that he likes showering with the opposite sex and hoped one day to do so with me.  Please keep in mind we have never met.  In fact, this was the very first time we had spoken.   About one minute later this comes in….

H:  Do you wear thong panties?

*Note:  I don’t respond…are you kidding me??  About 15 minutes later I receive…

H:  ???

*Note:  After much contemplation and several false starts, I respond with:  

M:  You may find out one day.

*Note:  I know now that I should have been a little more harsh.  I wasn’t sure if I should be offended, shocked, or just play it off.  I chose the latter, but now wish I hadn’t.  I really just didn’t know what to think at this point.  Having had no dates in a long time I guess I just wasn’t ready to let this one go quite yet.  

H:  I’m sorry I am very sexual.

H:  Is that a problem?

M:  Maybe on the first date…

H:  Just get some drinks in us and let the mood flow and see what happens.

*Note:  I’m over this part of the conversation.  I just want to get going and see what happens in person.  

M:  See you in a bit.

*Note:  I had about 18 minutes to get to our meeting place.  If I didn’t leave in three minutes I was going to be late, but he just keeps on texting!

H:  Do you enjoy kissing and making out?

*Note:  I am literally just looking at my phone in complete disbelief.  I am just floored and starting to not want to go at all now.  I’m getting annoyed and it starts showing in my responses.

M:  I enjoy getting to know my date first.

H:  Once we get to know each other silly

M:  Let’s just start with that.

*Note:  Wait for it…

H:  I’m not going to lie, I want to fuck your brains out eventually!

*Note:  WTF?

M:  I have to be honest, I’m not really enjoying this conversation at this moment.  Maybe I’m not the girl for you…sorry!

*Note:  At this point I am pretty convinced that I’m not going on this date.  I do decide to leave because if I don’t and I did, for some strange reason,  decide to continue with the date I would be super late.  However, even though this did go through my mind I knew what I really was going to do was drive right by it and continue on to my friend’s house for a bottle, I mean glass, of wine.  And the texts keep going…

H:  Couples have sex you know

M:  Yep, I know.  They don’t generally talk about it to this extent before they’ve even met.  At least not the guy I want to date.

H:  Well sorry I don’t hide the fact I’m human and enjoy sexual activity.  

M:  I think you’re missing my point.

H:  And you are missing mine.  What’s so wrong about talking about something we all do and enjoy

*Note:  Any doubt, any shred of a thought that this date could possibly be saved was instantly erased.  I called my friend and she basically told me to run, run far away.  I pulled over and sent this final message:

M:  We clearly aren’t on the same page here so as much fun as I’m sure you are I think I’m going to pass on the date.  Sorry!

*Note:  And it’s not over yet…

H:  All I’m saying is we will have sex eventually. Damn you are a prude.

*Note:  Of course I did not respond to that.  Why would I continue to engage with this jackass?  I don’t know what kind of girl he normally talks to, but I wasn’t going for it.  How do you say that to someone you don’t know?!?  The next day, just after lunch I get this:

H:  How are you today Amy?  I’m sorry about yesterday.  Hope you’re doing well

*Note:  Psycho!  

The End