Sabotage

I’m being overly dramatic here, but really…I need to ask myself what the heck is wrong with me?

I’ve written about all of my self doubt over the week.  I pretty much straightened myself out by the time Thursday rolled around.  When we hung out Thursday it was all good.  He went out of town Friday, we texted a few times.  No communication Saturday.  Well, not from him.  I Sent him a text that he responded to on Sunday along with a "Happy Easter" text.  We had talked about getting together Sunday so I called him after church and told him I was grilling out with some friends and he was welcome to come over.  He told me he would head over after his family lunch.  When he called to let me know he was on his way he informed me that he wouldn’t be able to stay because he had a friend who had an extra ticket to the Hawks game that night.  That’s all good…I’m glad he’s coming over in between.  He comes and we have a great time.  He did mention a few times that "his friend" got him the tickets…"his friend" is what he kept saying.  I don’t know why but it just struck me as odd.  So, when he left I asked who he was going with and he said his friend, Judy.  The same gal that he works out with. 

This is the part where I just needed to keep my mouth shut…but of course I didn’t.  Let me preface this with, in retrospect a) I shouldn’t have said it and b) I don’t even agree with what I said.  I have no idea why I said it.  After he said it was Judy I kinda stiffened up and he asked if I had a problem with it.  I said no (when clearly the answer was yes), and told him that I had just thought that we were spending the day together.  He told me he agreed to go with her before we talked about Sunday and he had forgotten about the game.  So here’s the kicker (and I am NOT proud of this AT ALL)…I say, so you are choosing to spend the evening with her instead of me.  Yes…yes…that’s what I said.  Shameful, I know.  He said, she’s my friend and I said, I know.  (I DO know)  I said (very truthfully) that I was glad he was going to the game, it was a great opportunity and he should have fun.  He said he would call me later.  

And, you know what, I didn’t even realize what I had said.  He ended up calling me late (almost 11) and I was already sleeping, but I answered anyways.  We talked for a while and it got around to him telling me that he felt like I was questioning him about the game, (which I did) and that he didn’t think we were in a place where we had to tell each other where we were going and who we were with (which we aren’t).  It wasn’t until he said something that I realized that he was totally right and I was completely wrong.  Which I told him.  20/20 hindsight doesn’t always mean something in the beginning, so I hope I didn’t completely ruin it.  As a side note, he also thought I was upset with him for not answering his phone when I called him back Tuesday night, which I wasn’t at all.  Seems like I can’t really do much right at this point, whether it be self inflicted or not.

Interestingly enough, I am not freaking out about it like I thought I would.  I made a mistake, and if it turns him off of me, so be it.  This is me.  I’m an emotional girl, but I feel like I try hard not to be, I reflect on events after the fact and I am not afraid to admit when I’m wrong.  I can’t claim perfection and I hope one day someone can see my goodness through the flaws.