No title will do…
I woke up today and was disappointed that I woke up. People have always reassured me that “things will only get better”, “time heals all wounds” and all the other BS that is said when people want to brush you off and not want to help. Words, all just words. I could pull out at least several inspirational made-up quotes out of ass, but they’re just words. They are as helpful as screaming “SWIM HARDER” at a man, that can’t swim, and who is drowning. People don’t want to get wet and drag a drowning man to shore, but if they say the right words, they can walk away feeling justified in their actions of yelling words as if they made every effort to save him.
OK, I GOT TO LIVE WITH THAT!! MESSAGE RECEIVED…
I should erase all that, but I left it in. I was just “put in my place” by two people in the last 3 hours. Don’t go thinking that I was put in my place, I wasn’t. Both of them are so transparent in their views and how at the end of the day they’re right, I’m wrong and I should carry on as just a numb unfeeling man who should just do what’s asked and expected of him. I shouldn’t have or feel bad for the lost dreams, thoughts, and plans. I should just be glad if and when I may again be part of someone else’s. Well fuck, problems solved… And solved by 2 people who never experienced what I have or been on the other end destroying a man for another. Two women who by all intents and purposes, have lived charmed lives. Neither bought a home but got one from the ashes of a relationship. Two women that are both in a relationship, yet know everything about dating and such. I’m going to make a somewhat blanket statement here. It’s not about all women, but it could be. Most women don’t have to be alone if they choose not to. It’s as simple as batting their eyes or offering up some company to a man. Ok, maybe lesbians understand the guy’s view I’m saying here. Other than extremely good-looking or rich men flashing their cash and possessions, men are SOL. It sounds very self-centered of me but I think I’m the “good guy” most women profess to want. I’m decent looking enough, clean, dress nice, and have all my teeth, but that doesn’t change the revulsion in the eyes of some women when you just say “HI”.
That was harsh, but ask almost every man and I bet they would agree.
So here I am, 51 and essentially penniless. At this stage of life, choices are few and far between for a guy with a personality and a good attitude. My own wife choose to destroy me and any normal family life for her boys, for a schlub who offered her money and silly promises. Oh, she’s in love and I am sure the trips, the new vehicle, and the home renovations are just secondary effects.
This leads me to my other state of mind. For good or bad, a new bitterness and angry mood have appeared in me. Yeah, I bet you couldn’t tell by this entry… Who knows, maybe I should embrace it and drop all the filters.
Stay tuned!!!
You are just being honest about how you feel…nothing wrong with that.
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Even though you tend to be really hard on yourself, I still think you’re kinda awesome 😎🤓
@anhmymuminah You’re a safe distance away from me….LOL
@newt316
Even though that was a joke, but subconsciously it left some internal confusion within me. You say you want friends in your life and for others to come to you and approach you but when they do – you push them away with your energy and beliving you are genuinl not worthy. There’s a lot of congnitive dissonance there.
I have the exact opposite problem. I’ve had to fight myself for a long time to believe I’m worthy and have self love and finally achieve that belief and yet people stay away from me LOL. I barely get any notes on my OD and across my social medias is the same – no comments, barely likes, barely any attention. And yet, I still have genuine internal self love. But that is my test from God.
You have been blessed – at least from what I see in our little Open Diary world. Look at how many people consistently show up for you on OD. Why do we do it? Genuinely ask yourself that.
Consciously you would want me to approach you but subconsiously you say stay away (which comes across in jokes). Its the same circumstance with the friends you have in real life. You want them to be in your life but at the same time you energetically push them away to stay away from you because you believe you are not worthy of it sincere love and attention. People believe what you tell them of you. If you tell them that you are not worthy and you are a terrible person, they have no choice but to agree (on a subconsious level which leaves people confused because they do care ) and thus they stay away.
Eventually you have to make a choice – are you worthy enough for your friends in your life to pay attention to you or are you not? – or you will continue to pushed away from you. You can’t have both
We on OD can tell you that you are awesome and amazing all day every day. But until you believe it for yourself you will not get the change you desire
@anhmymuminah I am notorious for being idiotically sarcastic. It’s my coping system. If I could, I would hunt you down and have you run away with me… 😜 Most of the references to not having friends and relationships come from those physically here or within a 20-mile radius. I promise you I don’t push them away, quite the opposite. I have made every attempt from messages, visits, and calls to even apologizing for “my pain and problems” that have somehow affected them. I get what everyone says that I just should put them in the rearview, but 51 years of living has been connected to my relationships with all of them in one way or another and I can’t shake it off. Maybe it’s the stress of not having the money I need to catch up on stuff and exhale. Maybe it’s the physical loneliness that I have never, ever experienced up until now. IDK. I want to embrace a new life, I do, but it’s just not in the cards right now. Trust me, if I had the skills to immediately get a job where ever and saved money to survive the time I do, I would be as far away as I could be from all these people.
I really think that a majority of people who “start over” have made the plan as opposed to me who had absolutely no idea and is now saddled with debts from my broken marriage, while the ex has lived a fresh new life keeping all the great of her past with me. I know it can be done and I am seriously trying to.
@newt316
ok, my buddy 🙂
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