Late Saturday Night
My anxiety has been through the roof all day.
All I wanted today was to talk with someone, not even about my usual issues, just some talk. I sent messages to everyone one in my contacts, because some where along the way, calls became rude. I even went so far as to almost join an online therapy site until I found out I wouldn’t see or talk to anyone for up to 48 hours.
I just tired of falling back into the trap I set for myself. I can’t go anywhere because I can’t afford to. I couldn’t get my kids because they had plans, plans made without no consideration for me. No one will ever bring them to me. I can’t go to a bar, see the reason why I can’t go anywhere.
Some how I’m still madly in love with her. The mother of my children. My center and my calm for 20 years and ultimately my destroyer. Yet I can’t get through a day without her in my thought. She doesn’t answer any questions or concerns, in fact she has barely communicated with me after she said she wanted a divorce all those years ago. My friend, my everything thing, my life, hopes, dreams all gone and I instantly became too old.
And try as I might, every day it sneaks back into my soul.
Are you sure you are still madly in love with her? Maybe it’s more you are madly in love with the good memories of her. It’s hard I know to accept but that just doesn’t exist anymore. It’s gone for good. Whether you like it or not, you are going to need to create a new life. It can be a happy life you know. Let go of your ex wife and old friends. It’s better to be alone.
@thebestisyettocome I hear what you’re saying and a part of me totally understands like any normal person does, but it’s more than just her, it’s the loss of my little family and the death of that dream. My kids are distant with me, not to mention the loss of friends and family. On top of it all losing everything like savings, retirement, and possessions. It’s just been very difficult to restart life at 50 with nothing. I absolutely appreciate what it is you say though and I will attempt your challenge.
@thebestisyettocome It’s crossed my mind, but given the simp (as the kid call it) to her, I don’t want shit to roll back on her. After all, those bills are in both our names and unlike her, my word and promises are kept. Also, I need my car and can’t lose that in the bankruptcy. Then there’s the student loan that amounted to nothing, but I’m stuck with. Unfortunately I graduated 2 years before the legal date where people who went to ITT could get there loan forgiven. I’ll muddle through. It just really sucks that everything I planned and worked for with her is now being enjoyed by them as if I never existed.
@thebestisyettocome Well you a better woman than my ex. I’ll never understand her hate for me but I do know that he and the yentas she works with filled her head with most of it.
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I have a challenge for you to do tomorrow. Using your phone, take a picture of something that brings a smile to your face but please not a picture of your ex wife. Maybe a picture of a flower? Share that picture with us here on Open Diary and tell us what it means to you. Take that first step.
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I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone to just talk to. I would have talked to you here but I know that’s not the same. Why can’t you go to a bar? I’m sure you’ve said but I missed it.
You know what, I’ve been feeling old lately too. It’s like I woke up one day, looked in the mirror and saw an old person. I don’t like it.
@happyathome The bar is because I don’t have mad money anymore, right right now. I’m at the point where to eat today is to not eat tomorrow. I work messed up hours and trying to find a pt job that is worth it isn’t in the cards where I live. There are no 24 hour places and anything less then 15 hours isn’t worth it once thing is factored in. I just have to suffer for several months also I hate bars.
@newt316 Have you tried to get any help for groceries? I know it’s hard to get accepted. I have been trying to get help for Landon but of course he was denied. It’s no fun not having groceries…we’ve been there before and it was scary. Even when we had no food in the house and not much money, we were turned down. They said our vehicle was worth too much money.
@happyathome you hit the nail on the head. I make a decent wage, but when I was saddled with the marriage debt and lost the job I had at the time, it all just caved in and I’ve been digging out since. As a single man making what I do I don’t qualify for dick.
@newt316Go to a food pantry. They never turn anyone away and at least you will have something to eat. Google food pantries in your community. And then go if you can. Sometimes they are only open certain hours which makes it really hard to go for those who work. But try your best to go. Tell your employer you have an appointment (doctors) during those hours. It shouldn’t take you long to pick up some food.
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💙💜
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O7cjCKHJV0
Here’s a song that one’s of my fav’s that always cheers me up. Its a pop song that emerged from the TikTok world LOL. We have very different music tastes but nevertheless I think you’d like it
@anhmymuminah it’s catchy and nice. Thank you.
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