The big fat constant reminders

My 1st ex-wife’s mother died the other day. She had texted me about it soon after she found out. Of course, my misplaced feelings I can no longer control kicked in. I thought of her and I thought of our daughter and her passing and our grandson. In the usual way that I f%^& up with what I see as the best of intentions, I messaged Jayden’s father about things asking if he could get in touch with Vikki and have Jayden talk to her and cheer her up. Well, that just all went to shit.

I had planned on taking my son Ethan for the weekend to celebrate his birthday Wednesday but learned my sister had all-day plans with him and his friends on Saturday and wouldn’t be getting him home until well over 7 pm. I originally thought I would take him overnight, but wanted more time with him so I just messaged Patty that I would take him next weekend. She replied that she had already made it clear that she won’t allow either of the little ones to come over by themselves until I get “my shit together”. My “shit” is my health issues lately, but once again I am slapped in the face that I somehow no longer matter in the slightest to her as a person or the father of our children.

So yeah, these two things that happened minutes apart have me once again crying at work and wishing I was dead and out of people’s lives. HOW? How is it that I seem to be the only person I know that really hasn’t done the wrong thing to anyone but gets treated as though I was the worst thing that ever entered their life? I guess I should just take my chances with the relationship with my boys with the hope that they will seek me out in the future for a relationship, and just leave it all behind. Of course, I have no money whatsoever to do that or a place to go.  I guess all I can do is accept that this is who I am until the day I die and it will never change, even with the efforts I put in.