Nolan, Let Down Expectations.

Nolan… the new love of my life.

I know I agreed with my therapist I wouldn’t actually get a new dog until I was in a good place emotionally. No more dogs to fill my emotional needs. But that was fairly unrealistic. Since Jake left for the rainbow bridge I’ve felt I had room for one more. In my head I insisted I’d wait for the right dog.

I was tempted by so many cute pups. None of them were necessarily right but gosh, so cute. It was a struggle. I did meet the goal of not getting a random dog. Progress?

Then I stumbled across Nolan. Okay, I can’t say stumbled. I spend a lot of time every day following rescues. But it was kind of stumbling as I do look daily and keep moving. Nolan was different though. I’d initially saw him and told myself no, not the right dog. Then the rescue posted his latest update and it would take an army to find him a home. People don’t want seniors and they don’t want large dogs. Okay, I had to double take. Messaged the rescue with my questions and concerns. The answers were all perfect. He was a PERFECT fit. He can do stairs, sleeps a lot, good with other dogs, needed a tall fence as they just realized this silly Senior could jump a 4 foot fence if he’s really motivated by a rabbit. Sooooo, Nolan joined our family as the current, perfect missing piece.

He’s amazing. Two days in and I can’t tell you how in love I am. Nolan is an 8-9 year old Great Dane Mix. He’s got the body of a Dane, the cutest face and the best personality. I may DNA test him out of pure curiosity of what his possible mix is… I thought a coon hound, but have had guesses of lab or retriever. We will see.

Whatever his breed – He is literally perfect. He’s old. He just wants to snuggle and sleep his days away. He’s so gentle and loving. For a small pony he’s got the best disposition. I can’t tell you how much I love him.

I feel like my soul needed him. He’s forced me to slow down and simply enjoy the day. It’s hard to go nonstop when this sweet soul just wants to snuggle. He gets along great with the other dogs. No issues. Really, he just spends his day looking for the perfect spot to lay. He was the absolute best fit we could have currently found. He’ll have a short burst of energy and then back to bed.

His passing will be so hard. I can feel it deep already.  But it’s so worth knowing his final weeks, months or years will be incredible. That he’ll leave this world for the next only knowing love in his final days. It’ll be worth it. I can mostly compare his soul to Gator so far. And I’ve always considered Gator my 150% soul dog. We were meant for each other. This guy is so similar and so chill like he was. The day he won’t be here is an awful thought. But I’m happy and will just embrace the days one at a time. Google says Dane’s live 8-10 years. So he’s really in the last year possibly. Until his final breath we will just keep Netflixing and napping together. Every day is a true blessing.

Then we have my every day emotions. Ugh, they’re rough. I’m absolutely at a low again. Defeated Captain D didn’t move. Tired from working 24/7 with idiot coworkers. Tired of a dirty house. Frustrated with my adult kids. Frustrated with Max. Yes, no wonder a new dog is so amazing right now.

I question a lot if my feelings are valid or if I’m being ridiculous. I’m the end, I decide it’s a combination of both. I hate the moments I don’t feel like a priority. I swore I’d never be in that situation again. Yet, here I am.

Max is nothing like Captain D. At all. At least the things I feel ditched for are relevant. Yet, I don’t like the feeling. At all.

Last week was my complaint that we literally have two days off together twice a month. He needs to not over extend himself those days. The middle weekend we get Saturday night. Again, don’t over extend.

He’s swore the off weekends won’t happen again. Okay. Then tonight he’s supposed to be off at 6:30. I get a text that it’ll be 7, no later than 7:30. Okay. Nope – 9 p.m. – I called at 7:30 and he was busy working. Doesn’t the on call person start at 6:30? Yeah, but I’m just doing it. Whatever. I just said good bye.

In the end, he chose not to call the on call person. All is great – Except I’m sitting here waiting to go to the store and grab a few things for dinner. I could have went without him had he told me he’d not be leaving work. There’s zero reason not to let the on call person begin. He gets nothing extra but hourly pay. They make a ton. Nobody does this for him when he’s on call. He literally begins the moment his call shift starts. He took two extra days of call last days on.

He simply has no boundaries and the world uses this to their advantage. Whether it be his parents, a friend, coworkers. They know he will say yes. It’s frustrating. And during the days he works the ONLY one I care about is Saturday. The rest – be as late as you want. But damn it, we need boundaries sometimes.

He doesn’t overly grasp this. At all. Just more “it won’t happen again”. Hell, if it does tell me so I’m not WAITING. By the time he got home tonight I was about in tears. Talking pushed to full fledge tears. Then he tells me not to give up on him. I’m not – But I’m giving up on expectations – that means I’m giving up. Fine, then I guess I quit as expectations leave me sad, let down, hurt.

No expectations are easier. Then I’m not sad or upset or let down. I plan my life around me. It’s easier. Nobody has ever not let me down. My family did from childhood, significant others and ex-husband – let down constantly and broken to pieces. I eventually learned to rely on nobody. Just me. Then I’m not waiting. It’s just a constant reminder the only real person I have is me. That nobody will ever fully keep their word or plans.

Maybe I’ve allowed myself to expect too much. But in the same breath I don’t feel like I’m asking for a ton.

And this makes me realize – I love these dogs so much because they don’t let me down. They’re always here. Ready to love me, lick my tears, be my best friend. They simply want to protect me and make me happy. Truly unconditional love.

I really am replacing the human feelings for dog feelings. I see this. I know this. But I can’t even say tonight I want to change it. As I LOVE their nonstop love. A lot. And I’m simply not ready for the human world and the expectations that are never met.

I truly just wish, for one single time in my life, I felt like I was a priority for another person. That I felt like my time and feelings completely mattered and were taken into consideration. That I didn’t feel like getting my hopes up or excited for a plan would just leave me sad. It’s fairly depressing to realize you’ve never fully mattered or were prioritized in your entire life – infancy, childhood, teenager, adult. Not one person ever prioritized me like I deserve. Like we all deserve. And that sucks.

Sigh. Just more shit to work out. I’ll never be done with therapy. Ever. But, hey, at least I’ve got 5 amazing dogs to love me in the meantime.