The pill

I think the saying is, A bitter pill to swallow.

I guess I’ve finally swallowed my bitter pill, but who am I fooling, I have a bottle full to take.

Trying to be confident and let stuff roll off me hasn’t ever gone the way I have planned. Somehow I come off as arrogant. I don’t choose to live my life in the dumps, it’s just where I live. My wife, the ex-wife, left me for a man who is old enough to be her father. Meanwhile, women less than 5 years younger tell me I’m too old for them. The women my age or a bit older tell me I’m not “settled” enough in life for them, they don’t want to be with someone who has nothing as I do now. Yes, I understand that I may not be ready and I shouldn’t allow a relationship to define me, but that’s just it, I always have.

She says she has comfort and security in him. No one sees that in me, not her, my family, and honestly I don’t think my kids do either. That’s one pill.

My friends, family, and her, all see me as the dancing monkey. I made them laugh and feel better about themselves, but when the time came they all used me to get ahead or away. That’s another bitter pill.

At work when anything from a miscalculation to a form being filed wrong always lands on my shoulder, whether or not I had anything to do with it. I’m the go-to guy when others don’t want to do their own paperwork or if a caller sounds dumb or foreign or just plain undesirable to the others. I know a person needs to let shit roll off them, but even the man with the thickest of skin can only tread water for so long. I’m doing everything to get “better” but I am in a house of mirrors and my face is beaten and bloodied from constantly smacking into walls.

I want to write about happy things. My kids are healthy, that’s it, that’s all I got for you.