Silent Killer

I‘ve just had a really, really bad three days. I’ve had no one to share my feelings with, my pain with. Im blessed to have great friends, parents that care about me etc. But it’s beyond impossible for me to communicate with them my pain. They are good listeners, but when my depression hits like it has, when I isolate from the world, when I haven’t left my apartment in 3 full days, when I’ve had zero human contact….it’s hard to communicate. I feel rude as hell for not introducing myself, my bad. 

Hi, my name is Sam, I’m 24 years old living in NY. I don’t know why it’s difficult for me to say this and still embarrassed by sharing it; I  struggle with major depressive disorder. I’m still uncomfortable with sharing I have mdd because people in my life that I’ve told either brush it off like it’s not a big (real) thing, or think I’m lazy, unmotivated and use “depression” as an excuse. And that really hurts. Anyone who battles with depression knows the painful truth. Anyone who struggles with depression knows about the silent killer of life. I read this quote today that I feel helps people who don’t struggle with depression understand how people with depression feel:

“Depression is being colorblind and constantly being told how colorful the world is.”

So for the past three days I’ve been in my bed. Haven’t left the apartment once. This isn’t my worst stint. I’ve unfortunately in the past I’ve gone two weeks like this before. In bed all day, depressed negative cloud all around me, sleep deprived, eating like crap, completely blocking out the world, barely alive. No care for hygiene, no care for nothing.  To have completely given up on next day the night before, to accept this depressive life. That’s what I’ve been experiencing these past three days. Worse of all I don’t know what brought this on. Nothing more painful than having sadness and not knowing the cause. Makes me feel so weak, so ashamed, so pathetic.

Prior seven weeks have actually been really good, made a ton of progress in my life. I had set backs during those weeks,  not everyday was a great or hell even good day, but nothing like these past 3 days. I’m afraid it’s going to continue into a 4th and 5th day and so on. I’m afraid all the accomplishments, all the good things I worked on will slip away.  I just want to wake up tomorrow and have the strength to get out of bed, to have the courage to fight my thoughts, to not be afraid and live the day.

I knew I had to write, to allow myself to feel my feelings. I was going to write all this in a notebook but I didn’t have one.  So I googled online journals and well here I am. I don’t know what it is about writing but it makes you feel better, which I am. 

I know tomorrow getting out of bed will be a struggle, a battle. I know I’m going to be fearful and discouraged. I know I’m goning to feel physically and emotionally crippled. I know I’m not going to get out of bed on the first attempt. I know in the morning I’m going to groan, turnover and pull the cover tightly over my head. I know I’m going to give up.

I know I know I know. 

Give yourself some compassion, be a friend to yourself.  It’s okay about the past few days. Please stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Remember you do have the will power to fight your depression. Please Remember you are not bad.  These past three days shall and will not define the rest of your life………..

You going to let it turn into a fourth day?

March 16, 2:01 am