It just won’t end.

Over and over again I wake up to face another day of dread. No matter what I try to do, my own mind sabotages me. Then it convinces my heart to follow. I used to be someone, well at least I thought I was. Why do I lose so permanently? Why don’t I ever get a 2nd chance? God, I miss it, waking to the sound of family. The whole safety, security, and love are all gone.

They say that grief takes time, that is unless you have the friends and family I have who have told me to move on or get over it since my world turned upside down. I know each one of us has our own life to live and that no one should expect help, but I see it everywhere. Friends organizing events to help another, family coming to comfort one another.

Do you know how hard it is to live with suicidal thoughts and exhausting defeat every day without acting on them? I can’t even get the strength to address them. If sad had a picture, it would be me. I am so not self-centered, but I just feel marked as though everyone got together and planned to shun me. I just want to take the final step of giving up. I do understand there are people out there who care, but they do it from afar.

Then there’s the love BS. You can’t love enough and you can’t be loved enough. Personally, I’ve had 3 people tell me they would always love me in my 51 years and they left me without an apology, explanation, and absolutely never giving things a 2nd chance. I guess it’s me, I must somehow turn everyone against me without realizing it. I must have burnt every bridge and salted the earth in every relationship I’ve had.

I don’t know what I need to hear or see to get better, but I also never understood what “better” is. Something is very fucked up in me and has been for years. Something more than Borderline Personality Disorder that they diagnosed me with. I think I seriously need to be institutionalized. Time and events tear me up. I know I should “live in the moment” but my mind is not wired that way. I am already lost about my oldest son going to college in 6 months. I feel like I failed him and his brothers somehow. That I didn’t hold them enough or play with them as much as I should. I allowed my total nervous breakdown these past years to take importance over them. I think of their sister they never got a decent chance to know and how I failed her. I’ve never been told by anyone that I did the best I could or have the understanding that I couldn’t help my reactions. Now there’s another man doing the things I should have done. Going to school conferences with their mother. Going to doctor’s and dentist’s appointments. Reading stories and tucking them in. Getting daily hugs and affirmations from them.

I want to hate. I want to be blackout angry. I want to beat him to death with his own arm and piss on his corpse. Right there in front of her. I want to burn where they work while telling their coworkers to go to Hell for backstabbing our marriage by not talking to her about how it was wrong and not letting me know what was happening. These people were my friends, most of them before she was even in the picture. Yet I’m not a psychopath and won’t do it, just like I didn’t fight for her and our family or for anything in my life. All I do is this. I whine, bitch, and complain. WHY ME? WHY ME?

All the stupid sayings about doors opening and closing, triumph from tragedy, God’s supposed plan, are all people’s ways to not talk or acknowledge my pain and having to maybe lift a finger to help or comfort me. I try to tell them what I need or what would help and I am told I am too needy or immature or selfish. All these people in relationships telling me how I should feel. The dumb shits on Youtube and Tictok who never had anything actually happen, but sit there all sad-faced while someone reads how to get on with life or how something bad happens. What a crock. DO they think they’re helping? 2 days prior they are dancing half-naked to a song about how “sexy” they are or showing how great their life is. The quotes they think are being inspirational because they are “sad” do jack shit when the next video is about dick size or how their fat asses giggle.

I hate the world…